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J.T.C. Museum of Fine Art REVIEW WING-7 1/2
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TRACT REVIEWS-7 1/2
All reviews are Copyright ©2005 by Monsterwax
[rev. 2.21.11]
"DARK DUNGEONS" Review by "Terrible Tommy" Murray
If you've hit the Chick Museum's link, you've probably read the MST3K satire of this classic Chick-let, slamming that tool of Satanic Wiccan Catholicism, Dungeons and Dragons and, by implication, ALL role-playing games. The folks who do MST3K are very familiar with D & D, as most Protestants are not, including our wonderful friends at the Chick Museum, who, other then knott speling wurth sheyit, do exemplary work. Just let the drug-crazed Wiccan who's played D & D since the Sucky 70's clue y'all into a few overlooked things in "Dark Dungeons" and other Chickery. (Chickcraft? Chickcca?)
First of all, let's consider the witness of JTC himself:
First, Black Leaf dies and Marcie freaks:
Then Debbie comes to visit, only to find that Marcie has committed suicide; we don't get to see Marcie's full-gainer-by-angel into the Lake O' Fire, but you can bet it's there. This is a CHICK Tract, remember.
First of all, dying in D & D is a part of existence: We have Debbie's character---as the MST gang notes, a cleric named "Wizard" (Tommy: "???!!")---and one of the many cool magical things clerics are especially good at is called "Resurrection." That's raising the dead; you know, like Jesus? (Any imitation of Christ's powers without ritually kissing Christ's anus is much screamed over by Jack in his tirades against Role-Playing Games, Resurrection spells included.)
If Debbie was such a good player, why didn't she simply access the clerical miracle of Resurrection, or use her priestly connections to have it done? Also, if Mrs. Frost is worth diddly as a DM, the party should have at least ONE Potion of Healing, Ring of Holding with a Lesser Wish or other artifact won in past games that would have served to resurrect Black Leaf. Furthermore, Mrs. Frost could simply have engineered the "coincidental" appearance of clerical non-players characters with powers or artifacts (enough to Raise The Dead, at least.)
And if worse comes to worst, Marcie could have easily done what me and a billion RPG aficionados have always done in such situations: Either roll up a new character who "stumbles" across the party; or, conversely, "Black Leaf" becomes "'Blue' Leaf," Black Leaf's long-lost identical cousin who stumbles across the party just in time to mourn her cousin, gather up all her stuff and join the quest. A few seconds to write in the new name on the old character sheet and Marcie doesn't need to swing.
Furthermore, if a demented Heathen (capitol-H, arseface!) like Terrible Tommy is DM'ing the game, you can bet that it wouldn't be more than three hours, game time, (i.e., five minutes, real time) before the party would encounter the stinking, maggot-crawling undead remains of Marcie's character, now called "Dead Leaf," either a zombie, ghoul, vampire or demon-possessed barrow wight. (Marcie would probably have flung herself in front of a truck over that one!)
A much more typical reaction to death in D & D can be found in the hilarious comic spoof of RPG-fanaticism, "Dork Tower" by John Kovalic. In this excellent comic, the players regularly torture the poor DM by hurling themselves into hopeless, pre-doomed assaults on much bigger, badder foes, joyfully stumbling into death traps like eagerly grabbing "The Gem of Obvious Self-destruction" and beginning their sojourn into the DM's hard thought-out adaptation of The Lord of the Rings by killing Gandalf and Frodo in the first seven minutes.
In one episode, Matt, the DM, regretfully tells Igor, a player, that his character has died. Igor reacts to this news by---going home and despondently hanging himself? HELL, no: Igor goes into an ecstatic dance, singing a take-off on "The Monster Mash:"
"His brain was mashed
It was a MONSTER MASH
His life was snatched
Oh, it was really scratched!
His spine was smashed
He's in a graveyard, natch!
Ha ha ha haaah! Yesss! See ya, LOOOOOSER!"
Whereupon Igor happily begins rolling up another character while Matt comments: "The Grim Reaper kinda loses his sting when he claims a low-stat character you've been stuck with, doesn't he?"
THIS attitude is a much more realistic reaction to death in D & D, not the ongoing Protestant paranoiac fantasy of Chickworld (Hey! Great idea for a new D & D module: "Chickworld," where Witches and Methodists are hung from trees and girls that don't bleed on their wedding night get beat to death with rocks. Guillotines on ice-cream trucks, demons on Rock CD's and a worldwide, almost inhuman, Catholic control conspiracy that really IS out to get you! Vampires popping up at Macdonald's, werewolves at Baskin-Robbins and every Catholic Church will have its own continuous thunderstorm, full of demonic shadows. HEY! Hands off: I thought of it FIRST!)
Anyway, Marcie's reaction is extremely unrealistic and reflects Mr. Chick's willful ignorance of the game and the people who play it.
Terrible Tommy's terrible Gripe No. 2: Marcie plays D & D so well, she becomes a full-fledged Priestess of Diana and member of the Craft of Wicca under her D & D character's name. Let me make just one comment: WHAT???!!
"You are a whiz at checkers, Jethro, so now you are a Presbyterian, a vice-president in the Rotarians and an Eagle Scout with a PhD in English Literature" makes just as much sense. To be any kind of Wiccan Priestess takes (like the Jedi) the most serious purpose and YEARS, nay, DECADES and LIFETIMES of study and real work (planting corn, milking cows, slaughtering goats and plucking chickens, not to mention raising a family in the Craft in darkest Christian America, no easy task.) I didn't see Debbie do anything but hang around playing D & D.
Tell one of MY Wiccan Mambos that you are now a Third Degree High Priestess because of your diligent RPG playing. Go ahead, tell them. See how many times they murder you in seven minutes. Call me so I can watch.
Another Chick/D & D interaction that you guys missed is how many times various Monsters in a JTC tract are portrayed, line for line, with some creature straight from the TSR manual. How does Jack get away with this? And notice: Jack doesn't follow the AD & D rulebooks AT ALL! If anything, JTC goes out of his way to "prove" that Dungeons and Dragons is a Satanic Catholic plot and only St. Chick knows the truth.
In "Satan's Master" for example, Jack rips off one of the lesser demon princes to be his Satan: Apparently, this character (whose name was some ridiculous agglomeration of letters like "Balferzaz") really scared the poop out of Chick, as opposed to the classic AD & D Lord of Evil, Asmodeus, who looks like some debonair gentleman, some Hagbard Celine clone, and apparently didn't produce the same levels of reactionary terror in Mr. Chick's bowels that Balferzaz had. So the lesser prince gets promoted to Top Dog.
Also, note the cover: Balferzaz or whatever is sweating and looking fearful, JTC sweat drops and all. Jack is the kind of person who never won a schoolyard fight, but grows up to draw superheroes in response, starring the schoolyard bullies as villains who always get conquered, but never give up. This tract cover is a classic example: Asmodeus and Beelzebub in the Monster Manual apparently didn't bother Jack a bit, but this sub-sub-demon noble gave him a turn or two. His revenge is this tract.
[Hey, maybe I can write a song bad enough to make Jack hate ME enough to do a tract on ME! "S'ereh ot ym teews nataS?" Or "Killing Hamsters for the Devil While Sodomizing Light Bulb Sockets?" I've got it! "Gonna rock, rock, rock---rock for the rock---embrace me, Love of Death!" I dunno: That song keeps running through my head.]
Another D & D rip-off is in the same tract: One of the Witches whispers behind the High Priestesses back. A demon sitting on HP's shoulder relays the dirt to her: Only problem is, the "demon" is actually a creature straight from Monster Manual II (MMII, in geekspeak) called a "stone gargoyle." While certainly evil, it is considered a non-spiritual, physical entity, which Chick metamorphoses into a made-to-order demon; once again, pulling off a straight-out plagiarism.
Let's not even MENTION the dozen or so times that JTC sticks the phrase "Prime Material Plane" into his anti-occult raps (There, see; we didn't mention it.) This, along with the myth ripped-off from Hislop's "Two Babylon's" about Nimrod and Semiramis, marks the mental trail of St. Jack the Tripper quite clearly. If you hear about either concept, you can tell exactly where they came from. [We occult-drenched Voodruid Witches use a lot of words, but "Prime Material Plane" is not one of them.]
Meanwhile, Chick Publishing screams like the imaginary Catholic goon attacking the Bible Book store if anyone DARES to touch one of his gilded post-scripts to the Gospels, such as Psycho Dave and others. Hypocrisy, thy name is Christian.
Another rip-off in "Satan's Master", non-D & D this time, is the demon "Ri-chan," one of Dr. "ex-Mrs. Satan" Becky Brown's obvious names. Forming increasingly wild stories is the stock-in-trade of Chick, Brown and John Todd, who is still in prison for molesting his step-daughter (UGH!) and now claiming to be a "Wiccan" minister. Meanwhile, faithful Jack, as infallible as a Pope, has declared that John has only "back-slidden" and all the "Rev. Lance Todd's" blithering nonsense is still true.
As for Todd, just let "Terrible Tommy," Rock-n-Roll Witch, clue you in: We don't want him! Stay away from us Wiccans if you ever get out, short eyes. We don't sacrifice humans, John (Lance?), usually, but we'll gladly make an exception for you.
The same ex-cathedra pronouncement of "Factual, because I prayed about it" rests on Dr. Brown's delusions; and, even though her "block-busting" books flopped like yesterday's spaghetti for Chick, he still digs into Dr. Brown's manure heap of non-facts like the old fellow who found the Original Mud Mine.
One such tidbit is the name "Ri-chan" which gets attached to another ripped-off D & D monster, an actual Demon this time. The name is pure Rebecca Brown exorcism gibberish. I kept expecting to hear about the demons "Ging-gong" "Uu-uu" and "Fooble-ook," a flying alligator, a hippo with tentacles and a mouse with a gorilla head, respectively. Such gobs of morphemes attached to dream chimeras composed of scrambled body parts are typical of Brown's ever-increasing dictionary of cast-out demons. Mix them with Carter's excellent art (well, it IS!), the MMII and Mr. Chick's fevered-but-fertile imagination and WATCH OUT!
Then consider "The Hunter." Since every drug of any sort is just a substitute for Jesus, the rampant hysteria of the "Hunter" gets so wild---and I would still vote that JTC honestly, truthfully believes every single malodorous morsel thereof---that you start having to wonder if Jack has some form of mental condition (obvious, but way too simple); or if, conversely, "M.I.B." is for real and some over-evolved Chaotic Neutral? (Evil?) orange cephalopodan slug is sitting in a little control booth in Jack Thomas Chick's head, doing awful things to the human monkeys, at least as far as their sciences are concerned (Thank you, Creationism, thanks a Monkey's Coitus!) Or, conversely, his REAL masters, The "Union of Girl Scouts, Jesuits-who-hate-Jesus-and-worship-Satan, Yeti people and Insurance Salesman" program him by microwave from afar.
Either that, or simple human stupidity, explain why, in the rapturously-insane "Hunter," our man Jack takes a Lawful Good critter from MMII in the form of a demi-divine being named a "Solar" (I think it was called), except this is a JACK CHICK Solar: He's got leathery bat wings (which, like horns, to us Pagans, signifies divinity, but to Jack's helically contiguous mind [insult intended], these black Hell-o-wings are scary); and he wields the mace Solars carry to protect and defend, turned by Jack into an instrument of punishment for those not getting their quota in souls.
Here, again, are the "minds" of Jack Chick, John Todd, Mike Warnke (if you want to be honest), Becky Brown and Worm-meat-for-frontal-lobes Schnoeblin: Every Tot and Jittle in this Saliva-fest of Salvation (How GREAT a Salivation?) is PURE UNALLOYED GOSPEL to the various sub-sub-splinter sects of Protestant Christianity that mostly purchase, believe and use Jack's incredibly sordid visions. That's why this man's mind can go so far off track and people like the wilder Protestants lap it up as truth while people like us lap it up as art. Jack Chick is, ultimately, his own best customer.
Lemme know. Back to original Dark Dungeons Review.
LOVE THE JEWISH PEOPLE Guest Review by rednovember93: This is one of Chick’s redundant "Israel is still God’s chosen people and the Catholics are her enemy" tracts. It starts by giving the example of Egypt. Because it enslaved the Jews and is still Israel’s enemy, God is cursing them. He fails to mention that today, Egypt is one of the Arab countries on best terms with Israel. Then Chick uses the examples of other ancient empires. (Sure they don’t exist today, you can’t expect cultures to last thousands of years. Modern countries haven’t lasted that long either.) He then brings up the Holocaust saying the Catholic Germany persecuted the Jews. Actually, Germany is not a Catholic country in the same way as Spain or Italy. Germany has a healthy mixture of both Catholic and Protestant and it has severely repressed Catholics at points in its history. Then of course he brings up the “Great Whore of Revelation” (aka the Catholic Church) and says God will destroy them. The Bible says right there in black-and-white that “The Lord will destroy the Vatican” (well maybe it does in the KJV Haw Haw!) Then he brings up several African countries that are cursed because they are Israel’s enemies. I’d like to point out that all African countries are doing pretty poorly. Moving on to England, God blessed them with an empire because Queen Victoria feared God. (So I guess God only cares about the rulers and not about the people who suffered in the British Empire.) Chick goes on to say that the British Empire was taken away when they cheated the Jews out of the best land in Israel. Of course God cursed them because they are one of the poorest countries on Earth, their currency is worthless and they don’t have an empire like so many other countries do today... although they do have a United Kingdom and their currency is much stronger than ours (but that's my observation, not Chick's). Chick not only picks and chooses his facts, he exercises bold exaggerations. He states that Russia is cursed by God and will attack them in the End Times because Magog is an ancient name for Russia. However there is no evidence of this except guesses made by certain theologians who lean Chick's way. The rest of the tract is designed to convert the Jews to Christian fundamentalism (good luck on that mission, Jack!). I guess loving the Jews involves turning their relatives against them. Haw-haw! Grade: F+ for failed to convince. Return to Main Menu.
Moving On Up! Guest Review by rednovember93: Here is another one of Chick’s anti-evolutionist tracts. This one, however, doesn't try to provide proofs for creationism or even argue for creationism. Coming out around the same time as the movie, Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed (probably far from coincidentally) it explores some of the same themes, such as evolution being responsible for the Holocaust. (Funny: I thought Chick said the Holocaust was a Catholic inquisition-- history is so confusing!) It starts with a kid named Tyler asking his mom the age-old question, “Where the heck did we come from?” (though much more calmly) His mom, who is an evolutionist, tells him the story of evolution, creationist style (maybe she’s a creationist after all.) On page 8, Tyler asks his mom how she knows about evolution. She says that it must be true because her teachers said so. Tyler doesn't put up much of a fight and says he believes her (to be fair, he couldn't be older than ten.) Next comes natural selection and the not-so-discreet mentioning of evolution being responsible for the Holocaust (again? wasn't it Catholics? Maybe Darwin was a closet Jesuit!) Tyler says that because he is blonde and blue-eyed, he is superior (Sieg Hiel!) He then asks his mom if there is a God. His mom says no, after all, a lot of evolutionists are atheists (or Catholics, Haw Haw Haw!) Since there is no God, there are no morals (or so goes Chick's stereotype of atheists!) While Tyler is celebrating the absence of morals, Chick’s trademark demon pops up and starts to follow him around. Almost as quickly, a young evangelist appears and tries to witness to Tyler. She tells him about her salvation and how she found it, but thanks to the demon and the demonic influence of evolution, Tyler rejects it. He accuses her of being “politically incorrect” and stomps off. In the next panel, the demon is massaging Tyler and thanking God for letting the schools teach evolution. (That's right, the demon is thanking God for permitting evolution in schools. And you thought the ACLU was to blame!) Then Tyler dies. You can guess the rest: God judges him, finds him guilty and the angels feeds the flames of Hell with yet another burning body. That’s it. I half expected a happy ending where Tyler falls to the ground and groans, “Lord, thank you for showing me what you think about evolution. I also reject it.” Alas, I was disappointed (although Satan was pleasantly pleased). Grade: B+ for Burning Boy. Return to Main Menu.
WARNING: It's Terrible Tommy time again, and that means more "in-your-face" anti-Christian hyperbole. But since this site features plenty of "in-your-face" PRO-Christian hype, we figure, why not? Take it away, Tommy!
FIRST BITE Guest Review by Rev. Terrible Tommy, (church of Satan)
As a pagan who loves to rile Christians by moonlighting as a Satanist, I should point out that I'm usually 100% opposed to everything Chick tracts promote. But as an avid collector and reader/victim since childhood of Chick-style Christianity, I do click Chick's web site regularly to check out his latest offerings. Imagine my surprise when I dug his latest cryptography; to wit, "First Bite."
My initial reaction to this tangled skein of attempted "cutsie" humor, self-deluded righteousness and Christian SRA conspiracy-hysteria was utter confusion. Just what the HELL IS Chick trying to get across? Accepting Jesus resurrects the dead? All non-Christians are really vampires? All vampires are really Wiccans? WTF???!! He's always believed Wiccans are really Satanists, but as far as I know, I'm the only Wiccan that fits that mold-- and I don't even believe in the devil! (Or could Satan just be making me THINK I don't believe in him, so that I'll pretend that I do, and therefore, promote his existence? This is getting complicated!)
At any rate, I wasn't surprised to see our old buddy-familiar, puppy dog Fang, but I was somewhat disappointed that Chick didn't manage to slip his ubiquitously-evil Catholics in the tract somewhere.
The story seems to be that a family-coven of vampires has the fix in with Satan for a special, messiah-like child to be born. (That, right there, raises a large number of technical and traditional contradictions, nothing new to Chick tracts!) The leader (High Priest, I suppose) makes a big deal about revealing his sacred name, which is (Ta Daaa!) IGOR!
What? Now WAIT a minute! I don't know about you, but given Chick's ever-spiraling conspiracy theories, I firmly expected him to name an actual PERSON, like the Black Pope he fingered in Here He Comes. I assumed Chick's collection of "saved ex-witches" like Becky Brown or Bill Schnoebelin had given him a whole new enemy to hate: Always a good thing for those zombies--er, I mean NICE PEOPLE serving the cause of Jesus. (Hey, Jesus is kinda zombie-like, too, if you think about it. I mean, he did come back from the dead!) I fully expected Chick to identify the current Jesuit General, some politician or other public figure. (I was guessing Vladimir Putin, a popular Anti-Christ candidate after the insanely successful Left Behind series.)
Instead, he opted for a dorky, nerd-looking vampire adolescent, with razor cuts and acne on his face. Igor's evil coven helps him stalk his "virgin victim" whose name, Faith, gives the vampire-Wiccan some giggles. Supposedly, according to Chick and his occult experts, we Satanists need eight virgins a year to sacrifice to Lucifer. Imagine trying to find eight virgin girls a year, especially in California! [Good thing I live in Topeka KS, within six blocks of Westboro Baptist, (swear to Satan) were we have an endless supply thanks to Fred Phelps and his holier-than-thou congregation.]
Igor is given his last instructions and wanders out to bite his intended. Chick sets the girl up by having the arch-demons in Hell discussing Faith's personal life like it's part of some extensive spy/counter-spy scenario in the very depths of World War II (which, to Chick and his zombies, it IS!) This girl, in addition to being a virgin and actually cute, gives out "comics" (read: Chick tracts) with her Halloween candy, so she's obviously a Chickite Christian. Igor comes to the door, drenched in the rain that just started falling (another Christ-hovah-sent miracle) and mumbles, shivering: "I'm a vam---vam---vampire." Faith, smiling and glowing with Jesus-gamma radiation, invites the stranger inside without trepidation. (I guess she never worries about getting raped... or else is curious what it's like.) Igor attempts to pull the "looming vampire gonna bite yer ass" rift, refusing Faith's offer of hot sex, I mean, hot chocolate, (a Freudian slip?). Instead, he declares: "I only drink blood!", to which she replies: "You're silly." They get in an argument, Igor declaring that he came for her in Satan's behalf, Faith rebutting that SHE had come for HIM in Lightbulbhead God's name. Faith quotes 2 Timothy 1:7 at Igor (a VERY ironic quote for Chick) and Igor flies into a rage---something villains in Chick tracts often do. Faith the Chickite holds up a hand and says (very calmly): "Jesus, please stop him." Remember in The Broken Cross, Chick had covens of Satanists falling to the ground to puke their guts out when Jim (the black Crusader) shouts "In Jesus' name, I take charge!" The same miracle occurs here. (Kids, don't try this at home. It doesn't work. Trust me. In fact, our Church of Satan keeps several Boston cream pies and numerous bottles of seltzer handy at every Black Mass, just in case a Christian shows up and is stupid enough to attempt it. If no "crusaders" appear, we eat the pies and mix drinks in our fellowship of evil hall.)
So Faith's humble request to Jesuzam, the Magic Genie, knocks Igor on his ass, takes three hit points and causes him to roll versus his Constitution. Igor is astounded, but Faith calmly informs him: "I didn't do anything. Jesus did!"
Back at the coven's castle, the vampire Wiccans are chortling about the Chosen One leading them "to victory." (Over what? Oblivious stupidity?? Ever since page one, these fangy folk have been incompetent, floundering and STUPID, possibly hinting at Chick's inner child, jumping up and down and shouting: "THEY'RE A BUNCH OF BIG DUMMY-HEADS!")
Meanwhile, Faith has sat Igor down and prayed over him. As with so many Chick comics, merely being prayed over by a "real Christian" makes the cockroach demons flee and Igor's fangs disappear. I might mention that, despite being a highly-trained Vampire Anti-Messiah, Igor has no clue as to who Jesus is. Faith fills him in and Igor gets saved, proving once and for all that NO Witch, Satanist or Heathen is unsavable---a cold (or rather, hellishly hot) comfort, given the relentless stereotyping of Chick's highly-attenuated Christianity.
Finally, Born-Again Vampire Igor goes back and witnesses to his coven. They're all disconcerted and angered, but, in keeping with Chick's mythology, they can't do anything to Igor in revenge. The leader goes back to Satan himself to consult. (Our Master, Lucifer, used to sit around in a 1960's vintage board room with a glass table; now, he seems to sit around in the basement in a circle of fire and dirt. Talk about demotions!) Satan acts like an incompetent pimp. He shrugs and says: "So I lied."
What, exactly, was the effect that Chick is trying to convey? I've studied, I've analyzed, I've cast my rune-bones and I STILL don't know. I worry, however, for the person who invests an entire 15 cents for this tract. What you typical Christians out there fail to understand is that, to the true child of Satan, (the Satanist, the Pagan, the [genuine] Wiccan), you lot are, mostly, timid Mithraists: The Fred Phelpses, the Jack Chicks, the John Todds, the Becky Browns, the Mike Warnkes and the William Schnoebelens---they're the REAL Christians! (Insults intended.)
Grade: I for INCOMPLET. (You'll find out the final grade when you die and face the REAL God... and he's wearing horns! Haw Haw Haw!) Return to Main Index .
WARNING: Here's another scathing critic by real-life Satanist Terrible Tommy! Our apologies for any offensive remarks-- but we're dedicated to neutrality here and if you don't appreciate his sense of humor, the best antidote is to be the first to write a review yourself! (We need at least one review for every new tract released.)
SOMEBODY ANGRY? Guest Review by Rev. Terrible Tommy, COSP, Our Lady of Endor's Protestant Satanic Den, Bristol TN (church of Satan)
Much to my surprise, this track marks a return of Pope Chick's Protestant Inquisition paranoia kick. After his last few offerings, I though that poor Jack the Tripper had become so tangled in his Jesuit-occult-rock 'n roll conspiracies that all we would ever see from poor ol' Jack from now on would be increasingly-silly, dumbed-down, anti-science rants like Movin' On Up and There Go the Dinosaurs. NOT SO and this tract proves it. Chick still hates everything secular and that includes not only science, but apparently nature. Never before has Chick the Omni-hallucinatory ever come so close to declaring solidarity with another fanatical agent provocateur for Jesus; to wit(less)- Rev. Fred Phelps and Westboro Baptist Church. Here, Jack blames hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes and other disasters on a wrathful God; but instead of deliberately targeting gays as the prime motivation (like the Phelpses do), Jack blames the Bush administration's "betrayal" of Israel as the cause. Could that be the reason that Chick and Phelps so studiously ignore one another? Is it a mutual snub? Fred snubbing Chick because Chick also hates fags, just not enough, while Chick snubs Fred because he doesn't purchase and distribute Chick's wares?
Anyway, just like the Phelpses, every disaster, terrorist attack, soldier's death or market depression is blamed on the wrath of a never-to-be-appeased angry God, except Chick's God is furiously livid, not over fags and devil-worshippers, but over President Bush's 1991 Peace Plan. That's the entire theme of this particularly venomous bon bon. The cover has a twister, rolling threateningly across the plains. (You messed with Israel, now you gonna pay, sucka!) The very first pages show a panicky group of weather forecasters, talking about Hurricane Rita, a storm that "could take out our whole southern coastline." Next, Jack shows a terror-stricken populace fleeing in terror and getting caught in traffic jams, with one doomed victim crying out: "Why is God doing this to us?"
Chick, like every Crusading instigator since Tomas Torquemada, has one essential cause for "God's Day of Wrath being upon us!" To Torquemada, it was the Cathars and the Albigensians; to Fred Phelps and Westboro Baptist Church, it's the gays; and to Pope Chick, it's the Bush administration's insistence that Israel trade "God's Holy land" for peace.
You Christians understand, right? It's a few acres of sandy desert that are really important to God. Having some peace and daring to treat those Palestinian pigs like they're people is pure Baal worship! That kinda stuff doesn't mean nary a thing to Jesus God: It's the real estate, stupid.
As with many a Chick tract, there is a sub-plot going on, which provides St. Chick a Bully's Pulpit to toss another sinner into the fiery furnace of hell. In this tract, that sub-plot concerns some farm people living in the Midwest, which is currently getting creamed by "Acts of God." One old man, the classic Chickite saint, is on his face in the storm shelter, praying for Jesus' magic protection. An unsaved neighbor, Charlie, is there with the praying family, but he's not praying---he's a lost soul.
Magic Grandpa mentions, as in passing, that all this disaster is a direct result of America's betrayal of Israel. Charlie asks what the storms have to do with Israel. Grandpa declares that he will explain it all back in his kitchen. Charlie asks: "But what if the kitchen is gone?" to which Grandalf the Good calmly replies: "It won't be. Jesus heard me."
If any of my fellow Chicklets out there really BELIEVE, PRACTICE and LIVE BY this kind of outlook, please write to me: I have several bridges and some beautiful Arizona swamp land I'd love to sell you. What happens is the following; this has actually happened to me personally, and any number of my fiends, bothers and co-religionists, so we know it's for real:
New Christian gets saved through (or otherwise influenced by) Chick tracts. Said new Christian boldly and sincerely tries to practice this new found power of prayer. Then it happens: "Vicky," the newly-redeemed Chickite Christian, bravely walks through a bad part of town, secure in the belief that her faith in Jesus will protect her. Suddenly a knife-wielding serial rapist grabs Vicky and drags her into a dark alley. Alas! No magical zaps occur! There are no angelic rescues or divine intercessions; Lord Jesus FAILS TO INTERVENE! And when Vicky wakes up in ICU, with multiple knife wounds, a pregnancy she's not allowed to abort and a nice case of AIDS to top it all off, what does she do? According to Chick, she should quote some Bible verses about adversity and assume it was God's will for her, to make her a stronger Christian. If it were a tract (like That Crazy Guy) a Christian doctor would be there for her, to blame her for having lustful thoughts that caused her well-deserved punishment. And Vicky would dutifully agree, repent again and go back to taking unnecessary and dangerous risks (not that things could get much worse). But you get my point: Good intentions pave the pathway to HELL. And that is why TRUE SATANISTS & WITCHES LOVE CHICK TRACTS! If I had a million bucks I didn't need, I'd buy a few truckloads of this particular tract, address it with Westboro Baptist's address and send them to the most desperate and starving areas: No food, no medicine, no shelter, just box after box of Jack Chick tracts.
Now, how many times has Magic Grandpa prayed for protection, only to climb up and find a few boards in a mud pit and a bunch of dead cows? How many Chickite soldiers praying to Jesus (instead of taking cover) got their heads blown off in the process? Closeted homosexuals, hopeless alcoholics, secret child molesters and people with seriously-desperate mental problems; all reading Jack Chick tracts and deciding to just "have a little talk with Jesus" to ameliorate their problems.
And, of course, what happens? People with bipolar disorders and raging alcoholism go untreated, children get molested, and more than a few guilt-ridden homosexuals choose suicide as the only way out. (Not that Fred Phelps would lose any sleep over that last item.)
But I digress, let's return to our story/storm: Gramps the Miracle Prayer-dude lays out Chick's familiar skein of Reconstructionist theo-history, showing the Jews as perpetual victims (due to their refusal of Christ, naturally), but preserved so a third of them can be slaughtered when their ex-Jewish Messiah reappears for the Rapture. Naturally, Chick credits all the myths and legends of the Old Testament as proven fact, totally ignoring real history and absolutely NO Egyptian records of any "enslaved children of Israel." St. Chick still declares that America is now hopelessly doomed, as was Egypt when it "dared to mess with God's Chosen People and 'their' land." I strongly suspect that a nice cruise missile or van-load of TNT, to blow up the Mosque of Omar, would be a big step towards making the Merciful Jackhovah let America off the hook. Keep pumping this level of inflammatory propaganda out in such neat, enjoyable little packages, and someday, someone is bound to BITE!
Listen, guys, seriously: Convert to MY side and join the Satanists. We make more sense, it's a hellofa lot more fun and, with such an angry God on the white throne of Judgment, you're doomed to go "YAAAAH!" and "I"VE BEEN HERE FOREVER, WHERE ARE THE MISSIONARIES?" anyway, no matter what you do. Haw-haw-haw!
RATING: A-plus, for "Asinine." Return to Main Index.
"HOME ALONE?" Review! This is destined to be one of Chick's least known tracts... because it was never released as a tract. Rather, it is an exclusive tract story included with reprints (and commentary) of five of Chick's most controversial tracts in a book called Hot Topics. The other five tracts are Somebody Angry?, Allah Had No Son, Lisa, The Trial, and Dark Dungeons. Lisa is one of many tract collector's favorite titles, but it's permanently out of print, so to offer it again in book form was a pretty savvy business move. To include another controversial tract (like Home Alone) not found anywhere else except in the book shows Chick hasn't lost any of marketing shrewdness.
Based on the suggestive Home Alone title and the fact it's in the Hot (controversial) Topics book, you might assume this tract is about masturbation. Naw, that wouldn't make readers squirm enough. Instead, this tract is about gay statutory rape! Yep, it's the first tract in the book and Chick doesn't waste anytime getting down to business. He tells the story of how 14-year-old Charlie is coerced into sex with a man of authority that both family and friends all trust. Wanna guess his profession? WRONG! It's NOT a priest! (That would be too obvious.) It's his coach! (Surprised? Maybe Chick got tired of providing the Vatican with all that Catholic product placement for free.) Whatever the reason, Chick offers some great scenes in this little (family) jewel.
It starts out with Charlie's mom trying to figure how she can replace the baby sitter who was suddenly hurt in a car accident, so mommy dearest can still go on her business trip. Another woman suggests she ask Coach Brad. Brad is a handsome 26-year-old man who "women are nuts about". What they don't know is that Brad is nuts about nuts-- he's as queer as a three dollar bill! (That's women for yah. Like cats, they are always attracted to the men who like them the least.) The parents leave Charlie home alone with coach Brad, and two panels later, the coach is making his move. He asks Charlie over a hot cup of chocolate, "Do they teach you guys about 'alternate lifestyles'? Do they tell you 'it's okay to be gay'?" Charlie assures coach they are taught that sort of thing all the time in school. (Strike up another point for the left wing NEA.) Coach is encouraged. "Being gay is cool, Charlie... Some of our best athletes are gay." Charlie is wowed. Then coach goes for broke: "They didn't choose to be gay, Charlie. They were born that way... Just like me!"
Run Charlie, RUN!!!
Unfortunately, Charlie can't hear us scream at the tract. But a cut away scene informs us that child molester Brad is lying, because he wasn't born gay at all. He was raped himself in Juvenile Hall while serving time for stealing. (It's amazing how much they learn in those places.) The next scene cuts to an exterior shot of the house under the full moon. Our imaginations think dirty thoughts as Brad's word balloon swells with the line, "Just relax, Charlie." And Charlie's balloon bursts with the exclamation: "GASP!" This is apparently the gospel tract equivalent of panning the camera toward the burning fire and turning the music up.
The next page says "the spirit that oppressed Brad now invaded Charlie." True to the text, a lizard like monster-spirit crawls out of Brad and starts to grab a hold of Charlie on the couch. Chick then flashes back to several scenes of flamboyant gays bullying religious types who dare to wear T-shirts with LEV 18:22 on them. (It refers to the Old Testament command to Moses, "Thou shall not lie with mankind, as with womenkind: it is an abomination.") Another panel makes the observation that "Gay brainwashing floods our TV channels with gay sitcoms, gay news and gay films... Repetition is wearing out public opposition." (Chick is not whistling Dixie on that count, as any evening spent spinning through the TV dial will demonstrate.)
Then Chick reviews the history of A.I.D.S, and how it was initially spread by homosexuals, so much so that it was called G.R.I.D for Gay Related Immuno Deficiency Disorder. It was later renamed (because of gay pressure) to A.I.D.S. An extra wide panel illustrates the point that "A well-known study by Bell and Wineburg showed that 43% of male homosexuals had over 500 sex partners during their lifetime." (You sure can't accuse them of resting much on the laurels or their behinds.)
Sodom and Gomorrah are remembered in fiery detail. (Those two cities get mentioned in Chick tracts almost as much as Bethlehem). No venom is spared the gay activists who become ministers so they can undermine and water down Biblical condemnations of same sex behavior. "The gay community is at war with God. Their own churches pervert what He clearly said about homosexuality." Chick often exaggerates to get his message across, but he is accurate when claiming that the Bible is not wishy-washy on condemning homosexuality. It is one of the few sins that every classical religion condemns (which only makes sense if you think about it, since promoting same sex relations reduces membership over time while promoting heterosexual relations does the opposite. Just do the math.)
To counter any claims that the anti-gay passages were all in the Old Testament (before Jesus), Chick includes several from the New Testament as well. Romans 1:26 "Even women did change the natural use into that which is against nature." and Romans 1:27 "men with men, working that which is unseemly"). Chick's most potent passage is one that literally says gay sex deserves death (Romans 1:32 "They who commit such things are worthy of death"). But then Chick cuts back to the present and uses a more sympathetic approach (sorta). "Charlie is in shock. He's been violated by his trusted coach. He feels dirty and ashamed." Chick warns about hanging out with the gay crowd, then shows coach Brad telling off a devout Christian. "I don't want your 'Jesus Junk.' I'm happy with my lifestyle." (We all know what's in store for him, don't we?) Fortunately for Brad's victim, Charlie reads a Chick tract and is consumed with guilt. It actually shows him reading Somebody Loves Me and states, "Charlie still feels the weight of guilt and responds. God the Holy Ghost tugs at Charlie's heart." He prays and the monster spirit flees in disgust. "The unclean spirit leaves. Charlie's name is now in the Book of Life.")
Now comes the fun part. "Brad dies of complications from AIDS and stands before Jesus" (where he'll try to explain his sodomy of a minor to the angry glowing giant). Jesus is unimpressed. "I shed my last drop of blood for you! But you spit on my blood and trampled over my sacrifice." (He sounds a little pissed...) Sure enough, Brad is tossed into Lava Lake, the ultimate hot tub, where he'll see lots of super hot men skinny dipping. Too bad they're all on fire. (Talk about flaming!)
Charlie was saved though, so he gets to join the toga party in heaven. THE END!
Grade: A for Abomination.. or would that be O for Obamanation? (We'll see which, depending if the new President makes good on his promise to oppose gay marriage.) Return to Main Index.
"PAPA?" Guest Review by real-life Satanist Terrible Tommy Murray, (Church of Satan).
As a long-time sufferer from the affliction that is Chick, I have been worried over Pope Chick's latest insipid offerings. The anti-science babble of There Go the Dinosaurs and Moving on Up: The geeky, goofy “camp” of First Bite: I was afraid that it would be childlike dribblings and second-rate Salvation stories from now on, barely worthy of our attention.
Oh, thank Satan, I was so totally OVERJOYED to see Somebody Angry? Jack was BACK, with his multi-leveled Conspiracy Theories, his pre-1590’s “Creation Science” and the Light-bulb Faced God who will roast and torture you forever, even if you spent your whole life worshipping and serving Him, because you went to the wrong church, didn't use the right Bible, or otherwise failed to fully and appropriately kiss His Holy Hind quarters.
As some of my Satanic-Wiccan-Voodoo co-religionists have pointed out, there's something really disturbing about having such a sadistic, pain-and-suffering obsessed, all powerful God as the hero to an artist who is otherwise considered gentle, pacific and generally upbeat (according to the few who have met Chick). What's with these Lovecraftian horrors lurking in the back of Chick's mind? Did someone have an overly strict childhood, perhaps?
Anyway, on to “Papa?” As with many other tracts, Chick takes a word or phrase, often a popular movie title, adds a question mark, and, VOILA, New tract title. I don’t recall any movies called “Papa,” so we can assume that, in this particular case, Chick’s title is a direct challenge to Rome’s title of Pope, which comes from the word “papa.” The cover picture says it all: A grinning doofus stands smiling like Gilligan with a pile of cocoanuts. His Pope hat hangs over his eyes and he’s got the Keys of St. Peter grasped in each hand like a pair of dumbbells.
Theme of this cartoon: Angry caricatures with bulging eyes and sweat drops the size of horse emissions. It’s all the Vatican’s fault. There will be demonic clerics, secret Satanic servants, all served by oblivious mind slaves. There will be ugly Catholics spouting propaganda lines and spewing sweat cascades at the drop of a KJV quote. Finally, there will be the “real” Christian (Chick’s mouthpiece) who will spiel out a "true" version of Christian history, linking Rome and the Papacy with Satan and the Beast, with the obligatory Jesus-on-the-cross and John 3:16 embellishment.
I predict it all: I must be a Warlock or something.
Sure enough, Page 1 jumps straight into St. Chick’s Protestant Inquisition: A female reporter with bulging eyes, weeping with an audible “snif”, announces breaking news from the Vatican. The male announcer shown next, by contrast, is grinning and devilish, like something out of a Charles Addams cartoon. They announce the death of the Pope and mention that “Presidents, kings, and dictators” will soon arrive for “His Holiness’” funeral.
Jimmy, his Uncle Frank and his angry, ugly unnamed cousin (obviously a Catholic) are watching the coverage. Chick makes it mega-clear that Uncle Frank and his son are the BAD Catholics; they’re scowling, ugly, and hostile-looking. Jimmy has those wide, limpid, child-like eyes, which indicates that he’s the potential convert for this sordid saga.
Jimmy opens the can of worms with the question: “Hey, why do they call this guy 'His Holiness’?” Uncle Frank and the Unknown Cousin immediately leap in, declaring that he’s the representative of God on Earth. Jimmy supposes that the word “Pope” can be found in the Bible: Cousin declares “Watch it, Jimmy!” while evil Uncle Frank declares that the word “Pope” comes from the Catechism, warning that “The Bible will only confuse you.”
Deciding that all this must be true, Jimmy says that he should go talk to Uncle Frank and Angry Cousin’s priest. Uncle Frank shouts: “Father Flannigan? No, you stay away from him!” Why, you ask? It seems Father Flannigan has been arrested for molesting choir boys!
Wandering away bewilderedly, Jimmy passes the house of Mr. Powell, who is on his knees in his garden. Jimmy asks Mr. Powell if he heard about the Pope’s demise, to which Mr. Powell replies:
“You mean Caesar?”
My prognostication hath borne fruit! That opening line draws Jimmy the Clueless into Mr. Powell’s tract passing clutches! Mr. Powell begins to lay out a child-like history of Roman Emperors and early Christianity that must have had Edward Gibbon spinning in his grave: We see a crazy-eyed, sweating Caesar proclaiming himself God. (Oblivious Jimmy ask: “Wait---Jesus is God?” This gives Mr. Powell his set up for Chick’s ever popular “Jesus on the Cross with 3:16” panel.)
A muddled, badly-distorted history lesson later, Chick launches into a sub-story of “Little Anthony,” who is born into a “lovely old Catholic home.” In this “lovely” house, overpopulated kids beat each other with baseball bats and tear out each other’s hair. Meanwhile, a very-unhappy mother nurses a newborn, while two other “Cath-a-brats” snarl demonically from the floor. This, apparently, is Chick's vision of a typical Catholic family. Little Anthony goes through the same process outlined in Are Roman Catholics Christians? Little Anthony is baptized; Chick declaims that baptism is for adult believers; a baby can’t be a believer! Then Lil’ Anthony is Confirmed, supposedly endowed with the Holy Ghost, although Jack ominously asks: “---or is it some other ‘visitor’?” Read: “The demon that invades every Catholic through their consecrated Hosts.”
See, just as the “real,” i.e. Chickite™ Christians, each have a personal angel guardian and a direct, instant and infallible link to God/Christ/Dove, we Heathens, Hindus, Catholics, Masons, Boy Scouts, and others of our Satanic League, all have whispery demons obsessing us to deny a very badly muddled and sadistic religious fantasy, with a direct link to Satan, probably the most worthless divinity that ever was, demanding baby sacrifices eight times a year just to float tables and trip gym rivals, lying even when he speaks the truth and existing just to be THE Punching Bag for the Universe’s Biggest Bully, Ol' Lightbuld Head Himself!
Chick shows Anthony going through the motions of Catholic Satan-o-Christianity, all to no avail, says St. Powell the Gardner. Now, not only does Anthony NOT go to Heaven with “the Blessed Virgin,” he has to endure centuries of burning in Purgatory.
Jimmy cries: “That isn't right! How long do they stay there?” A sinister-looking Mr. Powell says: “Forever.” He goes on to explain how Purgatory is the Vatican’s “money tree” and the Purgatory in which the Catholics are burning is actually Chick’s Eternal Hell; all the “prayers to saints” doesn't do diddly, according to Chick. The ONLY way is the Chickite way; down on all fours, begging for salvation.
One classic panel shows a converting Christian, on his knees and repenting, while Father O’tool points and shouts from another panel: “NO! That’s the sin of presumption!” In the next panel, Undead Rabbi J. is standing with His back to the Vatican, quoting Rev. 18:4: “Come out of them, my people---“
Last panel: Wide-eyed Jimmy is predictably asking: “Will Jesus save me?” to which a smiling Mr. Powell replies: “He'll save anyone who receives Him.” It closes with the classic Chick back-panel, the Magic Formula for forcing Jesus not to drag you into His never-ending Burning Bondage Chamber, Hell.
What really fascinates me about this tract is the fact that, in denying, mocking and deriding so much of Catholic doctrine, Chick winds up picking apart the actual endowments Jesus supposedly gave to His Apostles; you know, “Apostolic Succession?” Chick is so eager to belittle all Catholicism that he rips apart the most root-essences of Christianity. (And I have the TEMERITY to call myself a Satanist!)
RATING: Mega-F for “False Prophet"... although I'll leave it to you're own bias to determine just WHO that False Prophet is: The Papa, or The Chickster! Return to Main Index.
"IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU?" Guest Review by real-life Satanist Terrible Tommy Murray:
He's done it again, kids! (We have GOT to cast a Satanic spell on Jack Thomas Chick that causes him to live to be 203 years old while he KEEPS MAKING TRACTS, what say? Jack the Trick has laid out a new tract, with all of the craziness, conspiracy theories and Jack's sadomasochistic Horrorgod(TM) fiery fairy tales which we, the Chickies of the world, have come to expect. (BTW, Christians who believe, preach and distribute Pope Jack's Gospel tracts are called "Chickites," to distinguish us from them.)
Age has not mellowed Chick, not one tiny bit, no sir. Yes, gang, rejoice and be glad! This new meatball has it ALL: Every half-fast glob of conspiracy theory and urban legend which passes as "real Christian truth" in Jack's Independent Baptist world; several unmistakable caricatures of modern religious leaders, all of them sinister and devilish-looking; several glimpses of the bulgy "Abbott and Costello" demons that must haunt Chick's mind almost to the exclusion of rational thought; all capped off with the mandatory demi-sentient, wide-eyed potential convert who has made it all the way to college, but never once heard of Jesus (?!?!?), with a nearby Wise Old Man, preaching JTC's laughably skewed "religious" history, lavishly sprinkled with repeated incantations of the St. Chick Maha-mantra: "No, I'm NOT religious---I'm a Christian." (No, I'm NOT an artist, I'm a sculptor? No, I'm NOT a brick-layer, I'm in the construction business?)
Nicely intermixed with this Gore-spell Gooberage are not one but SEVERAL appearances by Fang and Tabby Cat, the only ones (besides the truly Saved(TM)) who can see Satan's clinging horny devils.
And, of course, there'll be Jesus on the Cross and John 3:16, the angry Faceless God, pointing to Hell and shouting quotes from Matthew, the newly-converted person with head-light sized eyes and glowing with Jesus-vibes, all splendiferously concluded with the classic Chick Publications black-and-white "Turn or Burn" panel.
Let's start this tour through Jack's Personal Hell from the very cover. (Every bit of this toxic treasure is a treat!) The picture says it all; blank-faced girl with eyes that bulge like your average road-kill lobster and the JTC Perfect "O" Orifice Mouth(TM) of Sinner's Astoundment and Unsaved Confusion, while pointing at herself like the girl using Brand X in a 1953 hairspray ad on TV.
Miss Halogen Light Eyeballs, a.k.a., Hannah, starts out, bewailing her "difficult" life: Jack's poorly-distorted view of a young college girl, bored, angst-ridden and blaming her parents for everything. Nearby is Chick's Wise Old Man (WOM), her grandfather in this case, who is a Chickite, a faithful follower and distributor of the Gospel of St. Chick; WOM is there to remind Bitchy Girl that her poor dad is working two jobs and refinanced the house to send Ms. Gratitude to college---to which this heartless Daughter of Eve replies: "And I'm supposed to be grateful? That's their job!" (You don't suppose she'll eat those remarks before the tract is through do you? Nah, Chick would NEVER contrive a story like that!)
Dad and his two jobs are quickly forgotten and Grandpa slides like a swamp 'gator into the standard Chick Plan of Salivation: Playing some childishly-ignorant word game to get the potential convert interested. In this case, Grandpa tells Ms. Taken that she's "forgotten somebody very important." (WHO? WHO? Waldo? J. R. "Bob" Dobbs? RONALD MCDONALD???!!) In fact, she's forgotten "TWO 'someones'."
(Okay, Ronald McDonald AND Colonel Sanders? NO??!!! <dang>)
Nawww---Jesus and Satan, of course! That's the "somebodies" who Grandpa tells Hannah she's forgetting. You known, the rebellious Jew who rebelled (unsuccessfully) against Rome; but who, despite being Jewish, was really God, something Judaism would never accept. That's Grandpa's Number One "Someone", the Loving Master who tortures you, forever and in the WORST ways, for not believing in Him, reading the wrong Bible OR (worst of all) failing to apologize sufficiently for being descended from a woman who ate a bite of magical fruit in Eden 6,006 years ago.
Then there's MY Lord and Master, the Mighty SATAN: According to Chick tracts, Lu Siffer started out as a slick, pimped-out Chairman of the Board type, sitting at a long glass table and being served by his feces-shaped Skull-face Demons, who control occultism, homosexuality, anarchy, astrology and (incidentally) caffeine; that is, when he wasn't viewing "Bewitched" or "Dark Shadows" (a Satanic tradition which we Satanic Protestants continue to this day.)
That was 1969. Now, Satan squats despondently in the basement of an architecturally-impossible castle, in a circle of dirt and fire and, despite all the 60,000 pets, strays and hitchhiking teens that are sacrifice to him every year, he is a complete idiot who will fall for the most infantile deceptions of Jesus, having been taken totally by surprise by the Resurrection and, apparently, foredoomed to be EQUALLY surprised by the Second Coming. Jack's tract "WHERE DID THEY GO ?" basically shows that poor, pitiful Lucifer, despite starting every single church and religion except Independent Baptist Christianity, despite meddling with The REAL Bible for millennia and totally despite having the "Rapture" theory dinned in his pointy ears since the days of John Nelson Darby (that's 127 years, this year) still, Satan remains as clueless as a Congressman and as oblivious as a ten-year old Hannah Montana fan. All this so that 99.9% of all existent humanity can scream "WHERE ARE THE MISSIONARIES?" while listening to Satan scream "JESUS IS LORD!" over and over, forever and ever.
(In Chick's dreams!!! But I digress---)
At this point, Chick chops up Grandpa's fiery ferry tale into sentences, showing a variety of dramatically-different scenes and backgrounds. In such a sequence, Grandpa puts aside the good "someone" and talks instead about the "other someone," who is out to get Hannah. Such slam-shots as: "You'd be amazed how much they know about you." "They've seen things that you'd rather people didn't know about!" and the capper, "And one of them has it in for you!"
Now Grandpa really starts to lay it on with a Gatling gun: This is Hannah's cue to start squirting moisture out of her head and have her boxcar-sized eyes get even bigger, as Grandpa warns her of all the imaginary fiends that are out to get her because she's paranoid. Hannah the Half-wit swallows it all without a gulp or a gurgle.
During this sequence, Tabby Cat comes up and slides onto Hannah's lap and, apparently, activates his neural link, because every expression on Hannah's face is suddenly mimicked perfectly on Tabby Cat: One particularly funny/odious frame shows Grandpa bringing up the tract's "bottom line," (her soul); Hannah thinks he means that someone is out to steal her iPod; the horrified expressions on Hannah and Tabby Cat are identical. (That cat must really like iPods!)
Grandpa springs his Super-sales pitch: The thing the bad "someone" wants is not your iPod, but YOUR SOUL! Gramps then ominously adds, "And they are watching you to see the outcome." It is at this moment that Tabby spots the invisible demon, peeking around the bench and does a feline freak out.
Which raises a point of interest about Tabby: While Grandpa slips into his Chickite Theology, Tabby climbs up on Hannah's lap, sits there mimicking her expressions, then suddenly frizzes up in terror and runs off---all without any notice or contact from Hannah! Dude, WTF?
In addition to the regular Chick trademarks, there is a panel that suggests God suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder: There's a depiction of God getting up and walking off the clouds to impregnate His own mother, so He can be born and eventually sacrificed to Himself, allowing Him (the "All-Merciful" God) to forgive US for the Creation crime which He, Himself, set us up to fall into.
Wow, talk about twisted logic!
By the by, in this tract, Chick has added two new afflictions to his stock list of "demon-inflicted" illnesses, curable by immediately getting born-again: Anorexia and bulimia. One classic frame shows a girl bending over a toilet, while invisible demons egg her on to vomit. God may hate fags, but Satan apparently hates fatties! (If you're a fat fag, your *ucked!)
Of course, the tract ends in classic Chick style. "The way to heaven is very simple," Gramps explains, "Just believe in Jesus and what He did for you and He'll forgive you for all your sins." The girl falls on all fours to repents and gets instantly born again. So she gets saved, Jesus gets her soul, and Satan loses everything... except maybe the iPod, which she would have tossed to get rid of the Satanic music. (Rock On, Satan!)
GRADE: A+++ for "Amazingly Asinine Apoplexy" Return to Main Index.
"THINGS TO COME" Guest Review by real-life Satanist Terrible Tommy Murray:
A woman enters a shop with the marquee "Spiritual Advisor" and a big neon fortune teller sign. (UH oh! Regular Chick readers know this is a big-time Christian taboo.) "Back again?" asks the corpulent Jewish/ Gypsy-looking spiritualist. "Yes, I'm afraid!" says her client. "I really want to know what's coming." The large Jewess does the "Ahhh, I'm beginning to see it" routine while gazing into her crystal ball. Even with Chick's dehumanizing caricature, the client woman is obviously troubled, angry and hard-bitten; and REAL fortune teller's don't read their crystal ball, they read their customers, which our "Spiritual Advisor" does NOT do. The most inexperienced psychic scammer would have at least have spouted a few comforting words. But this oblivious phony seems to think she really does see visions in her crystal ball.
When the Gypsy-Jew predicts "world peace, money and good health for you", her angry customer jumps up screaming "You big fat liar! I'm dying of cancer, I've been fired and evicted. You're a fake! I should call the cops." In a panic, the fat Gypsy-Jew gives back the woman's money (that's a first!). She storms out shouting that she'll never trust another fortune teller again.
As the ex-customer slams the door on her way out, an even uglier woman enters, carrying a black cat. Her manly hair-cut and butterfly tattoo scream "Lesbo Lover!" She's not happy either. Infuriated that her girlfriend has lost another customer, she declares: "You keep this up and I'll have to move out and get a job!"
This nails two of Chick's favorite Satanic conspiracies with one blow: Homosexuals and any form of public assistance. In the mythology of Chick World, lesbians are lazy and demon-possessed; they never feed or support each other---after all, they're not a "Real Family" TM. And anyone living on welfare or unemployment is obviously on God's Bad side, else they'd be prospering. Why, all those sayings of Jesus about "helping the poor" were sneaked in by Jesuit agents!
The live-in lesbo asks were the psychic's gift has gone. "Maybe it's gone," mourns her deflated girlfriend, "Face it, Maria, who really knows the future?"
"I know a guy but I hate him!" her butch buddy responds, "He doesn't use a crystal ball or tea leaves or read palms. And worst of all, he doesn't honor our religion!" Now we see the fusion (and confusion) of Catholicism, Satanism and spiritualism in the mind of Fundies like Chick. "Holy Mother of God!" the gay psychic cries, "What does Father Dowling say about him?"
The lesbo-lover answers in flashback: It shows an evil looking Father Dowling, warning that "this guy is dangerous. Stay away from him!" Maria says she promised that she would stay clear of the dangerous prophet, but went later, anyway. (One question, Maria: WHY?!!) Maria got to the evil man's door, but couldn't even knock. "When I got to the door, I freaked out! I sensed a force inside---like it was waiting to get me!" (Ain't it great when Chick uses hippy expressions like Freaked Out?) "What do people say who went to him?" asks the washed up fortune teller. "They say he's on target!" Lesbo-Maria declares. "He tells the future from an ANCIENT BLACK BOOK."
"---from an ANCIENT BLACK BOOK?!?!?" What, oh WHAT, could that BE, Jack? The Necronomicon? The Dungeon-master's Guide?? Webster's Dictionary??? The Phone Directory for Upper Newark???? No such luck...
Wide-eyed LSJ (Whose real name is "Delores," it turns out) appears at the door of Mr. Prophecy whose name is (tuh duuhhh) "MR. ROGERS!?!?!"
Mr. Rogers (SNICKERRR!!!!!) is the image of a mid-50's "Man o' God," with an understated white mustache and Chick's version of a decent haircut. A side-view shows a sign saying "Antiques," which must be---<snooork!>---MR. ROGERS NEIGHBORHOOD!!!!!
First, Delores warns Mr. Rogers that she is a devout Roman Catholic and "---I do everything my priest tells me to do." She recites all her good works (Good Works? Oh, no! Jesus HATES people who do Good Works!) and concludes with the classic Chick set-up: "I hope my good works will get me into heaven."
This allows Mr. Rogers to utter the classic Chick line: "I got real bad news, Delores. You are not protected! You're going to miss out on the greatest opportunity of your life!" Mr. Rogers holds up his mysterious Black Book (genuine KJV, of course) and starts speaking of signs of the Apocalypse. "And the signs have come!" declares Mr. Rogers, the patron Saint of Sweaters.
Now roll the tape of Chick's badly-rehashed and distorted Fundy version of the Rapture. As he ramps up his ravings on Revelation, Rogers rants, "God is really fed up with us." It starts with a Lightbulb-Head Jehovah commanding (Himself?): "It's time. Sound my trumpet!" So Jesus (Himself???) descends "with the trump of God" and all the believers who ever lived hear his voice. "Some skeletons in old graveyards will respond to God's trumpet. They'll change into new bodies and burst into the clouds---along with millions of others who believed in the Lord Jesus Christ." We get the classic Chick image of "Souls flying from their graves and cemeteries bursting open" shot.
Next all the souls fly up like the thetans from Xenu's H-bombed volcanoes. Now everybody is in Heaven and falling all over each other in rapturous joy. Chick declares: (I just GOTTA quote this one!) "As we enter heaven, the glory and beauty we see will BLOW OUR MINDS!"
Okay, seriously, people: When, exactly was the last time you heard anybody utter the phrase "blow our minds?" That's about as modern as "Far out groovy cool!" But Chick just can't resist trying to act hip and 'with it,' to reach the young people. He reminds me of an elderly schoolteacher, trying to relate to a bunch of drug-using Goth/Emo high school kids of today, by wearing bell-bottoms and a big peace symbol. I can just see him strutting up and uttering hip lingo like: "Have any of you crazy cats got some far out weed or peyote we could snort? I really need a fix. Like, turn me on!"
Cut to a court-room scene from "This Is Your Life," with the attendant angel who will sadly and regretfully toss the miscreants into God's Eternal Weenie Roast. In keeping with his standard Fundy doctrine, Chick assures the reader: "At this time, Jesus will review our works recorded after we were born again." In other words, potential Chickite, your entire life before the instant you spoke (or believed) The Magic Words gets literally erased and forgotten. To the born again, the life of the unsaved is meaningless until they get Born-Again and start thinking exactly like the saved people think. (And we just voted many of these fools into power. All except Chistine O'Donnell, who lost my vote when she declared "I'm not a witch!")
Here, Chick introduces a new wrinkle; if he does as he has done numerous times before, then this wrinkle will be added to Chick tracts from now on. The newly-redeemed and raptured soul is made to walk through a wall of fire. Now, Jesus is sitting on His Light-bulb-headed Dad's throne and pointing to the flames. As the newly-entered soul walks through the flames, all their meaningless works burn away. Chick portrays different forms of Western European crowns---no dirty Semitic or Oriental crowns in Lord Lightbulb's court---each with its own label like "For resisting temptation" or "For those who love his appearing." Mr. Rogers caps this off with a vague reference to "the Marriage Supper of the Lamb."
"And where am I?" asks Delinquent Deloris. "In deep trouble!" declares Mr. Rogers. He then describes the hellish Tribulation period. He warns that evil conspiring Catholics will try to claim that "Aliens in flying saucers removed those 'fanatics' to protect us," thus dragging all the New Age UFO abductees into his Devil's mix. "Will they believe it?" asks Delores, to which Mr. Rogers proudly declares: "Of course, because your church will rule the world and back up that lie."
Now, remember how, in "Here He Comes," Chick actually portrayed the then-current Jesuit general as The Antichrist and Pope John Paul II as The False Prophet, just like he also predicted 1974 and then 1988 as the "Year of His Soon Coming?" After several different Jesuit Generals had passed away, plus a completely different-looking Pope was enthroned, Chick, apparently, has finally learned his lesson. He now portrays the Antichrist as a generic figure, first in the form of "Bleeding Heart Jesus," with popes and patriarchs literally kneeling before him, then as a glowing-eyed "Demonic Jesus" in a Medieval pope's hat. That will keep this tract (and presumably others) current and out of the remaindered pile, where so many Chick tracts have fallen.
In keeping with this "modernization," Chick is now playing into the Tea Baggers' Islamophobia. Twenty years ago, it was Soviet Russia and CHINA who were Gog and Magog; now it's modern Russia and MOSLEMS who are out to get Israel. In the next panel, hoards of jets and tanks pour in to destroy Israel. "Papal orders" forbid any country from helping Israel. W.T.F?!
Okay, now I remember: To Jack Chick, it's forever 1972, the Soviet Union is still in power AND it's also the Middle Ages, when papal decrees really could order countries around. So an undead rebel Rabbi (who is really His own Dad and a Bird) is going to magically whisk all the "good" people away. Right; I keep forgetting.
Now comes the standard Chickite money shots: The rebuilt Temple in Jerusalem, Rome going up in flames with the ubiquitous warning: "The Lord Jesus HATES the Vatican." But the Best Frame in this entire comic is one of Chick's beloved "Tribulation Saints Being Guillotined" scenes. Now all the Chick's paranoiac dreams come together in a classic Chick scene: A bound and beaten Tribulation saint is being led to a bloody guillotine, set up before a Satanic altar with three big black candles and 666 emblazoned on it. Heads of martyred saints are set on stakes to either side and a big painting of "Evil Jesus" Antichrist Pope, presumably to give the martyr one last chance to repent and worship the Beast.
It's absolutely beautiful! Better than the original "The Beast" and its scene of an un-Marked Christian being dragged by police to a mobile guillotine that looks like a head-chopper on an ice cream truck. (This scene was a recurrent theme in my young Christian nightmares.) But the new "Things To Come" Demon Christ Pope altar with heads and candles beats that one all hollow. I'd love to have this on a T-shirt!!!
Apparently, despite all the preliminary send-up, it is only now, after Rome is destroyed and the Beast escapes to Jerusalem, that Satan actually enters the body of Demon Jesus. "The Lord unleashes his wrath on the ungodly" declares the prophet Mr. Rogers. Chick shows a crowd of people being crushed under what are presumably gigantic hail stones.
Now comes the customary John 3:16 Crucifixion scene, in shadowy silhouette, followed by two ego boosters scenes made especially for Chick's battered and abused followers: In one scene, Jesus wearing a crown stands over a group of kneeling world leaders, presumably begging for mercy from the All-Merciful, which, as we all know, they ain't gonna get. In the next scene, Lightbulb Head is back on the Throne, so He can utter His favorite Bible quote "Depart from me!"
At this point, as St. Rogers, with a pleading, sad-eyed look on his face, present his closing arguments: "Do you want to reign with Christ forever, with a beautiful mansion? OR stick with Satan's popes, receive the mark of the Beast and spend eternity in the lake of fire?" Delores decides what most rational people would decide after hearing such a tangled mess of fringe-group gossip and bad Bible stories: "He's nuts!" (I bet Chick and his minions must hear that phrase a few thousand times a day, after they've pestered, prodded and preached their potential converts to distraction.)
Then Chick pulls a real Hollywood style surprise ending: There is a loud crash and Mr. Rogers---surprise, surprise, surprise---has disappeared, leaving only his smelly clothes behind. "NOOO! It can't be! He's gone!" screams Delores, who will now, presumably, get to see all the things that Mr. Rogers predicted coming true. Gee, since she now knows how things are going to turn out, she could actually become a REAL fortune teller for once; or maybe she'll get saved and become a Tribulation Saint, with crowns and mansions, just like Mr. Rogers. Her head would look great on Evil Jesus' Satanic Altar!
RATINGS: A+++ for "Always Amazingly Antagonistic"! What would we do without him? Return to Main Index.
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