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Jack T. Chick's Museum of Fine Art REVIEW WING
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All reviews are Copyright ©2000 by Monsterwax. rev. 3/14/12
"ALLAH HAD NO SON" Review! (Art by Carter ©1994.) Not only does Chick step on Muslim toes here, he STOMPS on them! But what do you expect? They worship "the Moon God" and are destined for hell. So you could say Chick is just reaching out to a different kind of Moonie. The tract starts out with a Christian tourist explaining to his son how the Muslims are blasphemous to God. He just happens to do this right in front of a crowd of praying Muslims. (Typical Ugly American etiquette.) Not surprisingly, one of the Arabs understands English and LEAPS to the bait! The kindly Christian manages to avoid having his throat slit and winds up inviting the Muslim for tea. (Isn't that civilized? This must take place in one of the former British colonies.) By the time the Christian finishes explaining how Muhammad picked Allah out of 360 other pagan idols to manipulate followers and declare himself a prophet, the Muslim wants to convert. (Boy, that was easy!) The last panel shows a weeping Arab eager to witness to all his people about the "Moon God." The Christian warns him that it could cost him his life. The Muslim quickly responds, "It will be worth it, because I'll be with my loving Father in heaven for all eternity." Earlier versions include even more hostile criticisms of Islam on pages 10 and 11. They accuse Muhammad of statutory rape and blasphemy. (More on the Vatican/Islam conspiracy is covered in Chick's color comic The Prophet.) A+ for Angry Arabs. Return to Main Page.
"ANGELS" Review! This is a personal favorite. (Art by Chick ©1986.) Chick does a wonderful job showing the brainlessness of Rock 'N Roll and also lampooning all the hype and selling out that goes on behind the scenes. The story follows the exploits of "The Green Angels", a so-called Christian Rock band that teams up with manager Lew Siffer to hit it big. Lew brags to the band how he controls billions of souls with his music. He shows them a flow cart outlining how he started in the 1950s with Soft Rock, then Hard Rock from 1961 until his crowning achievement was unveiled in 1972... Heavy Metal Music! "My music pushes murder, drugs, free sex, suicide," he gloats, "to destroy country, home and education... And man, ... is it doing it!" You would think he's revealing a little too much to a Christian band during his first meeting with them, but then again, they admit they're not really rock solid in their faith. In fact, they're so relaxed about it all that they sign Lew Siffer's contract in blood. (Except one member has reservations because it's "really gross.")
Thanks to Lew's Satanic blessings, they become a big SINsation. So much so, that Bobby gets a bit too big for his britches. He announces he plans to get married... to another man! Lew balks at the idea because a queer wedding would ruin the band's image. Bobby smirks and tells Lew to shut up since he's more famous than his nobody manager. So Lew decides to give Bobby a nice wedding present: AIDS! Three months later, Bobby is skin and bones. The other musicians start dropping like flies-- heart attack, drug overdose, Vampirism-- hey, that's show biz! Only one escapes Lew's clutches (thanks to a fan slipping a copy of The Contract tract in his pocket). He rebukes Satan and saves the day. The splash of red Chick adds at the end as Lew turns into a demon is pretty neat-o! (A scarce version lacks the red.) Favorite Panel Award goes to page 17 where the band is playing and demons literally fly out of the speakers to seduce the crowd. The lyrics are priceless, "We're gonna Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock with the Rock!" (Oh no! I can't get that tune out of my head!) Another fun refrain is "Embrace Me, Love of Death." Don't be surprised if either of these lines wind up becoming hits. Grade A+ for Atlantic records. Return to Main Page.
"THE ASSIGNMENT" Review! (Art by Chick ©1972.) This tract that raises more questions than answers about soul winning. Charles Bishop is destined to die on November 22nd at 3:11 AM of a coronary. God's angels and Satan's demons both know this and fight over if he gets "saved" before his death. But if God knows when the old man will kick the bucket, wouldn't he also know if Bishop is going to save himself in time? If he's doomed, why bother sending angles to intercede? Predestination and Free Will don't seem to mix very well. But they make for great drama, as Chick demonstrates in this tract. The angels send Cathy to win Charlie's soul, the demons send an insurance agent to make sure he goes to hell. (So Satan's the reason those guys are so annoying. Figures.) The angels and demons try to sabotage each other's efforts. Demons send cute boys to distract Cathy, Angels cause flat tires to thwart the insurance agent. Cathy arrives and--as the angels say--"makes a penetration." (Alas, that suggestive language is omitted in more recent versions.) Charlie listens to her read from the Bible while an angel stands guard outside his home keeping the demons at bay. That night, Charlie considers becoming a Christian, but chickens out because he doesn't want to lose his friends. 3:11 AM arrives. As Charlie gasps for air, the demons breath a big sigh of relief. "That was a close call--" they grimly observe, "but we got him." Ironic, isn't it? Charlie came so close to getting saved, but got cold feet. Now the rest of him is cold as well... except of course, his soul. Weird Dialog Award: Little Cathy is reading to Bishop from the Bible, and he tells her, "Go on Cathy, you're getting through!" (Sounds natural enough...) Favorite Panel Award goes to page 20b. The sweating insurance agent is jogging down the highway after his tire went flat. A demon whispers to him, "Irving baby, look-- There's a phone!" He runs to it but finds an old lady on the line relating her life's story to her friend. She's only at year 1932. Irving baby gestures to blow his brains out. The demon curses the smirking angel who arranged it all. Haw-haw-haw! Grade: B+ for Bishop. Return to Main Page.
"THE ATTACK" Review! (Art by Chick ©1985.) This tract features an inflammatory cover of a Bible being set on fire! It outlines one of Chick's favorite themes: How the Satanic Catholic church has tried to pervert the word of God by destroying the King James Bible. Interestingly enough, much of Jack's historical information is correct (but cast in the worst possible light). For most of its history, the Vatican tried to discourage any translation of the Bible from Latin. Vatican II was the first time the Catholic mass was instructed to be given in English (or whatever the local tongue). That was relatively recently, in the 1960s! Before then, Catholics had to listen to a mass in Latin, a language that most of them couldn't understand. The King James Bible on the other hand, was written in Shakespearian English. Many readers find it more poetic than any other version. The Thees and Thous make it sound romantic, like something from the days of King Arthur. And there's no denying the Vatican wanted to suppress it. But how many of the Catholic conspiracies outlined in this tract are accurate? Did Jesuits really attempt to secretly swap the "authentic word of God" with the "Satanic" Alexandrian version? Were Vatican agents responsible for slipping the "blasphemous" Apocrypha in the original King James translation until two Jesuits converted and confessed to the plot? True or not, these dramatic cloak and dagger tales are certainly fascinating. Queen Mary's efforts to execute Protestant leaders in 1553 and the Jesuit plot to blow up English Parliament in 1605 are true enough. On the other hand, Chick's claim that 68 million were tortured or killed during the Inquisition from 1200 to 1800 is no doubt inflated. But why quibble over numbers when the basic premise is correct? Countless innocents were ruthlessly tormented on behalf of the Pope for religious reasons. The last thing Chick wants is for Protestants to forgive and forget about it.
This tract does all it can to turn back the tide on the Ecumenical movement. It shows Catholics grinning from the sidelines as their victims drink poisons or burn at the stake. A dark room filled with scheming priests listen intently as their leader declares, "Now we must destroy the credibility of the King James Bible." The footnote asserts, "Jesuits were sent to infiltrate all Protestant theological seminaries and Bible societies." No wonder the Catholic Church has such a shortage of Priests. They're all working undercover! Grade: A- (a little heavy on the text, but generous helpings of conspiracy theory more than make up for it!) Return to Main Page.
"BABY TALK" Review! (Art by Chick ©1995.) In terms of political incorrectness, you've GOT to love this one. Feminists will have spontaneous abortions reading it. The "Me" generation never looked as pathetic as it does here. Condoms are passed out at school, abortions are encouraged, and the main character--a boy named Eric-- ditches his girlfriend the moment she tells him she has one in the oven. For a cartoon, it sure seems true to life! But when Uncle Mike hears about the stork, he decides it's time to put the fear of God into Eric. He pulls out all the stops. He takes his nephew to a doctor who informs Eric that abortion is murder, and that God will hold the father as responsible as he does the mother. (The doctor doesn't mention whether he preforms abortions, but let's give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he does not.) Uncle Mike takes Eric home and starts preaching about the lake of fire (Rev. 21.8, King James version, natch). The next page shows Eric (with sweat pouring down his face) whining, "Hey, you're SCARING me, Uncle Mike!" (That's right Eric. Welcome to the World of Chick!) Of course, Eric is converted by the end of the story and saves the day. He marries Ashley and they live happily every after w/ child. Favorite Panel Award goes to page 20b: Trailer trash Thelma tries to haul her pregnant roommate to the clinic, but gets a flat tire. "@!!!**!" she swears, "No flat tire is gonna stop us from getting that abortion today." She's pretty peeved when Eric blocks the door to the clinic and calls off the procedure. But look at the bright side, Thelma. It should increase your monthly check amount for Aid to Parents with Dependent Children. Abortion protesters must LOVE passing these little darlings out. Grade: A for Abortions-R-Us. Return to Main Page.
"BIG DADDY" Review! (Art by Chick ©1970, 1972, 1992, and 2000.) This is one of those tracts that fans love for a variety of reasons: First, it purports to scientifically refute evolution. Second, there are many different varieties of this tract as it evolves over time (creating an interesting paradox: If Evolution is false, why does it exist within the very tract that denies its existence?) Third, it features the way-out tale of how a student humiliates his teacher in class by proving evolution is bunk, making the teacher literally resign his post at the university in disgrace! What's more, all the other students convert to the creationists point of view. Is that a Fundy's fantasy or what?! (It's perhaps Chick's biggest believability gap ever!) But who doesn't secretly wish THEY had been able to turn the tables on the teacher who bullied them in class, making the teacher feel ashamed for being so stupid? It's the David vs. Goliath story w/in the story that makes this tale so much fun. At one point, the student asks the teacher what holds protons together when like charges normally repel one another. The teacher (sweating bullets) answers in tiny print, "I don't know". The Christian does what every teacher does at that point: He goes in FOR THE KILL! "I'm sorry sir, but I can't hear you." (making the teacher restate his defeat in bigger print). The balding bureaucrat meekly admits "I said, I don't know. You tell me!" Then the authoritative Bible thumping begins. Teacher resigns, student becomes BMOC, and the class is saved from Brainwashing and eternal damnation, all in one fowl swoop. Not bad for an otherwise boring Biology class. This latest incarnation of Big Daddy was written in conjunction with Kent Hovind, a full time Creationist spokesman and former Science teacher. Chick Publications sells a lot of his videos as well, which are heavily plugged throughout the tract. Grade: A for 'Atta boy! Read Terrible Tommy's review for an evolutionist's response to this tract. Return to Main Page.
"BOO" Review! (Art by Chick ©1991.) This tract is fun. It's one of several "Halloween is Satanic" tracts Chick produces for fans to pass out instead of candy. (Imagine the traumatization they can cause kids who return home and read them. Some parents might miss the "good old days" when all they had to fear was pins, needles, and razor blades.) A group of guys rents a old camp ground for a Halloween party. As they plot to kill a cat as entertainment, Satan watches from afar. He's wearing a pumpkin head and has a rattle snake on a leash. He curses to himself, "@!!**... I forgot my chain saw!" But not for long... He finds his rusty, trusty murder weapon in time for the climax. As the group prepares to kill kitty and minced him at midnight, in bashes Satan with his chain saw blaring full blast! 40 minutes and nineteen corpses later, the police show up and Satan removes his pumpkin head, causing the cops to run like hell. Satan wonders around the valley looking for more victims. He finds a Christian to sneak up on for fun. The Christian gets the better of the demon by pointing his finger at him and yelling "The Lord rebuke you, Satan!" The devil runs away screaming (@!!*#) as the Christian taunts, "I hate you! And I hate your lousy birthday!" (That's telling 'em!) Favorite Panel Award goes to page 18 which explains how the druids left Jack-O-lanterns at the homes where they drag off screaming victims for human sacrifice. (This was before homeowners started bribing them with treats.) There's also a "how to pray" section at the end, as well as an image of the devil wearing his pumpkin head in hell saying, "Hi, Guys... Welcome to the laughing place! heh-heh-heh!" A burning victim in the background clinches his fist and screams, "You rat!" (Careful pal, that rat controls your temperature.) This is a fun tract with a good old fashioned GHOST STORY going for it. B+! Return to Main Page.
"THE BRAT" Review! (Art by Carter ©1992.) This is the New Testament tale of the Prodigal Son. It's a pretty decent tear-jerker. Even though most of us know the story already, it's hard not to get choked up when the arrogant little brat goes crawling back to daddy to ask for a servant's job, and instead gets the red carpet treatment. Hey, who wouldn't want parents like that? Chick's point is that God is a parent like that. This tract has plenty of great art, but Favorite Panel Award goes to page 14a, where slobbering hogs and hungry flies swarm around Joseph to get some of the delicious pig slop he's eating. Great dialog includes lines like, "The leeches move in for the kill, asking Joseph for expensive gifts and making him pay for all the good times." Another states, "Jesus died to save you from... the lake of fire!" The ellipsis "..." pause is especially cute, no doubt included for dramatic effect. And putting the "lake of fire!" part in bold is also classic Chick. (Too bad he couldn't add sound. An organ flourish would really round out the effect.) Chick is certainly obsessed with the burning lake concept. He references it constantly and draws it often in many of his tracts. It usually includes some poor soul being tossed into molten lava head first by an angel. (Sorry to cremate you buddy, but I'm just following orders.) Chick promotes the hell fire epilogue with such zeal, it undercuts his claim that "Sad to say, that's where everyone goes if they die without Christ". (Is it really that sad? One detects a little "holier than thou" smugness.) The cover is also one of Chick's funniest. It has a baby pushing his plate back and spitting out his corn. It would make a good promotional poster for birth control. Haw-haw-haw! Grade: B+. Return to Main Page.
"CATS" Review! (Art by Carter ©1990.) Old Testament/Jewish tale of "I told you so" proportions. Chick's message here is one of his favorites: "Never mess with the Chosen Race." It's a message that continues to undermine Jews who claim Chick and other fundamentalists are anti-Semitic. If they hate Jews, then why do they promote them so much by repeating the Old Testament tales of vengeance against those who persecute the Jews? This is obviously pro-Jewish propaganda that Jack really believes, indicating his only problem with the Jews is that he thinks they're all gonna BURN unless they repent to Jesus--the Jewish Messiah. If Chick were really anti-Semitic, he would stop converting so many Jews to Jesus, because they're going to take over his heavenly neighborhood! (The same argument applies to Catholics, Muslims, Masons, and all of Chick's targets.)
Back to the tract: This story tells the tale of Daniel and the Lion's Den. Pious Daniel is promoted to high advisor status because he alone was able to read God's handwriting on the wall. His anti-Semitic enemies become jealous and conspire to get him tossed into the Lion's pit. Daniel survives (thanks be to God) and revenge is sweet: His enemies, along with their wives and innocent children, are tossed into the pit and ripped to pieces. (Daniel makes no effort to spare them--natch. And why should he? If there's one thing the Middle East doesn't need, it's more Gentiles.) Favorite Panel Award goes to page 20, which depicts the execution of Daniel's enemies and their families. The line of men, women and children are being forced into the pit of starving lions at spear point. They scream and wail, begging for their lives as the giant cats consume the front of the line. (Hey! No push!) You'll never look at your kitty the same way again. Chick inserts a stern warning beneath the panel that reads, "There is also a pit waiting for those who reject Jesus Christ." Remember that the next time you hear a can opener. Grade: B+ for Bottomless Pit! Return to Main Page.
"THE CHOICE" Review! (Art by Chick ©1999.) This is clearly one of Jack's lessor efforts. The artwork is some of Jack's most plain, the plot is uninspired, several panels are recycled from other tracts. In fact, if you had to chose between this tract and another, the choice would be easy. (Pick the other!) It's another "sit down at lunch and witness to your neighbor" tract, with predictable (albeit unrealistic) consequences. The Christian corners his friend during the meal, sits down and tells him he's going to hell unless he accepts Jesus, and the heathen becomes instantly saved. (If it was this easy, Chick wouldn't have much of a demand for his recruitment literature--everyone would already be Christian.) Favorite Panel Award would be when the Christian picks up the tab! (It's the least he can do for letting the meatloaf get cold while talking about eternal damnation.) Sadly, this is pretty boring by Chick standards. It even misses an obvious opportunity to plug Chick tracts (something Chick usually slips into his stories whenever he gets the chance). At least that's one unique aspect to an otherwise formulaic tract. Grade: C Return to Main Page.
"THE CONTRACT" Review! (Art by Carter ©1976.) Interesting plot insofar as you actually LIKE the main character, even though he sells out to Satan. He's a farmer who loses his crop in a hail storm and sells his soul in order to keep his farm and feed his crippled kid. "B. Fox" gets him to sign a contract (for his soul) and makes him rich. A phoney Christian cousin warns him that he's toast because he signed in blood. But a doctor who visits him on his death bed informs Farmer John that getting "saved" in the last seconds of his life sends his soul straight to heaven. Boy, is the cousin pissed when he dies and winds up in hell without his kin folk present. And to think the cousin spent all that time in church and doing good deeds. What a waste. One can't help but admire the farmer for cutting such a sweet deal. He had it all. Riches, a mansion, a deal with the devil, and in the end, heaven tossed in at no additional charge. Some folks have all the luck. Favorite Panel Award goes to page 13b where John gets even with the banker who called in his loan. He goes to deposit his treasure but tells the owner his loan officer ordered him never to return to the bank. The owner fires the underling and shoves him out the door. The unemployed wretch complains he's too old to find another job. Too bad! Beelzebub snickers, "There's nothing like revenge!" He's right. Who can resist feeling good at seeing a ruthless banker tossed out on the street? Grade: B for Bargain. Return to Main Page.
"DARK DUNGEONS" Review! (Art by Carter ©1984.) A favorite souvenir among D & D players, this tract includes the worst demonic stereotypes about the famous 80s role playing game. Debbie loves playing D & D, but when Marcie commits suicide (in response to losing the game) Debbie has second thoughts. The Dungeon Master invites Debbie to join her witches cult, and Debbie experiences power after casting spells on her father (to buy her more D & D stuff, of course!) but this doesn't quite fill the void. It takes a seminar where the speaker urges everyone to burn all their D & D material (plus charms, occult books and Rock music) before Debbie repents and is set free. Ghost images of the demons can be seen leaving her body as she is saved. Soon, Debbie can be seen admiring the bonfire of satanic paraphernalia and praying aloud, "Thank you lord for setting me free!" Another great scene is an earlier one where Debbie is introduced to The Craft. She enters a room with people in dark robes circling a giant pentagram on the floor. The unseen narrator states, "The intense occult training through D&D prepared Debbie to accept the invitation to enter a witches coven." Does that mean the game really is educational? (Just curious.) Debbie's dungeon master is a lady called Ms. Frost, but don't let the name fool you. Ms. Frost is hot, Hot, HOT! She's like the Penthouse version of Veronica from Archie comics. A snazzy dresser too. Favorite Panel Award goes to page 11, where Debbie finds her ex-friend swinging from the rafters, leaving a ridiculous suicide note and impressive D&D collection. We can only see the bottom half of Marcie's dead body as it gently sways above the knocked over chair. (Nice legs! Shame about the neck.) Interesting note: later versions omit a footnote from page 19 which lumps C.S. Lewis and Tolkien books in with occult materials. Grade: A+ Return to Main Page.
To read an expanded review of Dark Dungeons, check out Terrible Tommy's take on it.
"THE DEATH COOKIE" Review! (Art by Chick ©1988.) Apparently Chick wasn't very happy with the Catholic church when this tract was written. Probably because they had been busy lobbying Christian Book Stores to remove his tracts. But why get mad when you can EXPOSE THEM ALL AS SATANISTS!?! (Or at least, Satan worshipers.) Chick goes way back in history to show where all the Vatican's bodies are buried in this tale. It has one of the best Chick covers of all time: a cookie with a skull and cross bones. (Try requesting that variety the next time the Girl Scouts come 'round.) What exactly is the "death cookie?" Why, the Holy Eucharist, of course. Talk about an inflammatory title, this one must really T-off the masses. (Get it? Masses? As in--never mind.) Chick's anti-Vatican zeal gets the better of him this time, making the premise of this tract ultimately self defeating. Unlike his other anti-Pope sermons, this one doesn't merely suggest the Catholic church became corrupt over time, but that the earliest Pope created the church under the direction of Satan. The problem with this premise is that the very first Pope was (supposedly) Apostle Peter. And since the Catholic Church is the original church from which all Protestant churches are derived, it would mean that every modern Christian church is a spin off of a Satanic mother church. That's probably not the message Chick set out to deliver. (Then again, who knows? It wouldn't be the first time he was a rebel.)
Favorite Panel Award goes to page 9b, where a dark silhouette of Satan with glowing eyes offers the cookie with lightening striking in the background. (Talk about sinister atmosphere!) He states, "My friend, if we pull this off, our cookie will become a death cookie for anyone who opposes our Holy Work." The panels before allege the Vatican stole the idea of transubstantiation from Egyptian priests who said they could turn wafers into the flesh of the sun god Osiris. (He should at least give the Vatican credit for adding some wine to the ceremony to wash it all down.) I know a Catholic priest who says he finds these tracts left in the pews all the time. (Haw-haw-haw!) But don't look at me... I treasure them too much to waste them on an audience who won't appreciate them. Grade: A for Anathema!
"THE DEATH COOKIE" Response by Rev. Richard Lee! Yeah, Jack goes to extremes here. However, I take issue with the popular claim that the Roman Catholic church was the first church with Peter as the first pope, from which all Protestant churches came from. Even Roman Catholic theologian Hans Kung admits this popular Roman Catholic claim is more mythical than true. Let us not forget the Eastern Orthodox church on the other side of the world also claims Apostolic Succession going back to the Apostles. Each bishop was in communion with each other, and claimed succession back to ALL of the Apostles, not just Peter. Peter may have been bishop of Rome (although it's still disputed if he was the first). Regardless, he was not supreme over the whole church at the time. (Interesting Pope Trivia: Another challenge to the claim of unbroken Apostolic Succession is the fact that the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch excommunicated the Roman Catholic Pope in 1054 AD. The Pope quickly returned the favor and excommunicated the Patriarch. Succession of both sides was "broken" by each other.) Return to Main Page.
"THE DECEIVED" Review! (Art by Carter ©1990.) A double slap at both Islam and the Catholicism in one tract! (Like page 21 says, "No wonder the Vatican and Mecca blocked this good news. They used two dark religious forces, 'Allah' and the 'Queen of Heaven' to make us slaves.") Of course, you don't have to be a slave, you can get saved and be set free. But you'll have to ditch the idol worship of Mary & Allah (that's Semiramis and the Moon God to those of you not deceived by Satan.) This tract follows two Arabs as they discover how the Pope created Islam in order to seize control of Jerusalem from the Jews. And hey, whadayahknow! It looks like the book they are reading it all from is exactly the size of a Chick tract! (Small world, huh?) Unfortunately, we can't make out the title of the tract. If we could, odds are it would read, The Deceived. Haw-haw-haw!
A sample of the narration states, "To destroy true Christianity, Satan moved his murderous religion from Babylon to Rome... Roman idols were given Christian titles. Venus was called Mary... who became the 'Queen of Heaven.' Roman Catholicism was born and Satan ruled from the Vatican." The Arabs angrily discover how Satan then expanded his kingdom by finding and financing Muhammad. One reads to the other, "Vatican spies were on the lookout for a potential leader for this new religion." The other shouts, "Those devils!" (He must know where this story is heading.) The Catholics discover Muhammad and hook him up with Khadijah, a beautiful Roman Catholic Arab who lived in a convent. "Under orders, she married Muhammad, and the trap was set. If the demonic conspiracy worked, the Arab world would soon be serving the pope." Sure enough, it works. When Muhammad has visions, it's Khadijah's Catholic cousin who interpreted and influences them. (One hoof dirties the other.) Like Rosemary's baby, Islam was born!
Favorite Panel Award is a tie between the next to last panel and the one before it. The Arabs are beside themselves with joy after being saved. Now they finally feel "clean". Then they dedicate themselves to Kamikaze conversion careers-- telling other Arabs about the Satanic conspiracy of Islam. No doubt, their fellow countrymen will love discussing it in a civilized and scholarly manner. (Yeah, right. By the way--how's that life insurance policy holding up? ...Just wondering.) Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for the "fisting" cover variation (see Variations section for details.) Grade: B+. Return to Main Page.
"DOOM TOWN" Review! Two different versions exist, both with different variations. The original one (©1989) was drawn by the third artist, while the more recent version (©1991 & 1999) was redrawn by Fred Carter. Both rip into the homosexuals and warn of God's favorite gay bath (the Lake 'O Fire!). The first version is devoted primarily to the story of Sodom. The redrawn version sandwiches the Sodom story within a modern context of a cameraman trying to convert a homosexual at a gay rally. (He must be tired of working for the liberal media and wants to get fired.) Chick reveals his opinion of the media by only showing the last two of the network's call letters... "B.S." (See page 5.) Both versions show plenty of sweating homosexuals looking and acting like complete perverts. The first version shows a crying kid and says, "the children (of Sodom) were all molested at a very young age" (page 10). When the same version gets revamped with a different cover, it tones down the molestation claim by leaving it more to the imagination. It says, "Even the children were not safe from their perversions." Carter's redrawn version ups the ante by showing a more graphic image. He draws a fat hairy brute in the foreground saying, "It's that time again," as a cowering kid trembles in the background!
Both versions are good, but Carter's version is more provocative in that it shows men kissing men, a priest chasing a child, and outlandish gay get-ups. It's also amusing to note that the idol in the first version is a fat ferry with horns (a horny ferry?) while the idol in the later version looks just like the demon statue in The Exorcist. (They're on page 9 in both versions.) Much of the same Sodom story was recounted in Chick's first controversial tract, The Gay Blade (©1972). That's when the death threats started. Perhaps Chick was feeling a little nostalgic and figured he'd kick the hornet's nest again to see if anyone was still home.
The original Doom Town cover was a graphic of Sodom burning, but it was later replaced with a skull & crossbones image floating above a modern city skyline. See Variations section for details. Many of the protest signs also change within different variations. Gay activists will have a hissy fit reading any version or variation of this tract! Grade A for Abhorrent Return to Main Page.
"FLIGHT 144" Review! (Art by Chick ©1998.) Another grim reminder that those who believe in "good works" are damned to hell, while those who believe in Christ will go to heaven despite a life of crime. A "famous" older missionary couple are on a plane to the US and sit next to a recently saved but former felon. They brag about all their great accomplishments in Africa (5 schools and 4 hospitals), and the jail bird compliments them on how many souls they must have saved. Then the missionary makes an stunning confession: "No Ed, you don't understand. God called us to help these dear people to lead better lives." (In other words, social work is more important than converting people to Christ.) Ex-felon Ed starts to question if they're really ready to meet their maker, and the smoozing quickly stops. But not because the jet engine is burning up outside and the plane is loosing altitude. Everyone is far more concerned about the theological disagreement! (There's no screaming on board during any of this either, so apparently everyone else is enthralled with the the debate as well.) Finally, the missionary loses his patience and yells, "Just shut up! Can't you see we're going to CRASH!" (Remember this line if you need to change the subject from religion, because it seems to work in this tract.) The plane plunges into the ocean and no one survives. Guess who gets sent to the Lake O' Fire? Yes, our kindly little old man and his wife. (The jail bird goes straight to heaven without passing go.) The missionary starts to argue with God (kids, don't try this at home) and is tossed into the flames along with his main squeeze. At least they get the last word though. It's "YAAAAH!" Favorite panel award is the final shoveling of bodies into the pit scene. That's always a good image, but seeing angels feed the flames with an elderly couple graphically demonstrates how totally unconcerned Chick is with appearances. Like the scripture he quotes says, "There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death." Eat your heart out AARP. Grade A- for Airlines. Return to Main Page.
"THE GAY BLADE" Review! (Early art by Carter ©1972, 2000.) With a name like this, it's gotta be good! Here Jack uses his most reliable weapon to bust some homo-heads: You guessed it, more tales of vengeance from the good Ol' Testament. Obviously, the outcome isn't very Politically Correct. (Can you say "death and damnation"? Sure you can.) After several opening panels featuring in-your-face-fags screaming at the reader, Jack turns back the clock to recount his favorite supernatural disaster (the destruction of Sodom). God sends two male angels to save Lot. Lot spots them on the streets of Sodom and realizes how handsome men fair in Sodom after sundown, so he implores them to spend the night in his house. The homosexual rape gangs gather around his home that night and demand some heavenly hiney. Lot offers the mob his two young virgin daughters instead (thanks dad) butt no! They want the angels. The crowd gets ugly and the angels blind them. Like some perverse parody of "Dawn of the Dead", blind homosexuals spend all night outside groping around for the back door. (Why not settle for each other? It's not like they could see anything.) The fire storm of Sodom soon follows, with only Lot's family escaping alive--all except his wife, who turns into salt for looking back. This tract fails to mention how later, Lot has incest with both his daughters and makes them pregnant. The Old Testament blames the girls for the rape. It says they wanted it, making Lot too drunk to know what he was doing. How times change! (Even Clinton would have a tough time spinning that defense.)
This tract offers plenty of interesting material. The 1972 version has a long haired homo grabbing a reluctant straight man by the arm and saying, "You must understand that I'm sick--And you should have compassion on me!" The revised 2000 version is virtually identical, except the same panel now has a militant homosexual yelling at the straight guy, "You're offended by gays? Are you some kind of bigot?" Chick has basically documented a fundamental shift in social norms in a single panel. He shows how thirty years of activism moved the public condemnation of homosexuality from the perpetrator to those who reject it.
It was this tract that started getting Chick labeled a publisher of "hate speech" by gay activists. Militants would phone Chick Publications and threaten to bomb it, burn it down, kill the receptionist, etc. etc. So much for taking the moral high ground. (If anyone knew how to turn the other cheek, you would think it would be the gays.) Instead of silencing Chick, the threats only seem to have hardened his resolve. He published two other anti-gay tracts (Doom Town and Sin City) as well as reprinted The Gay Blade. Homosexuality may be more mainstream, but Chick's not giving up without a fight. Just imagine what tracts we'll get if they legalize gay marriage?! Grade: A for Abomination. Return to Main Page.
"GOING HOME" Review! (Art by Carter ©1991.) Talk about a downer, this one has it all: a dying patient, a dying doctor, a dying nation! It takes Chick just three panels to set the depressing tone. An African man limps to hospital to beg admittance, but there is no room. He starts to walk away. Then another patient croaks, and the nurse calls out, "Hey, come back! We found a bed for you!" (And it's still warm, too!) So here's the scoop: Most the African's are dying from Aids (1 in 3). According to the doctor, "The US could be like this in just a few years." The big wigs at Atlanta disease control secretly admit to one another, "It's a death zone! No hope left!" One of them suggests telling the media. "No you idiot! That could trigger a world wide panic!" (So why Chick is spilling the beans? He must want to start a world wide panic!) While everyone loses their cool in Atlanta, back in Africa, the good Christian doctor happens to mention to his patient that he also has Aids--because a lab accident (yeah, sure bud, whatever you say). The doctor tells the dying VD victim--who's name happens to be "Peter" (seriously!) that Doc plans to go home and live with his loving father the moment he dies. Before Peter can ask what in the world he's talking about, Doc has to run and preform surgery. Maybe when he gets back if Peter is still alive he can hear the rest of the story. The entire tract reads like this. It's surreal! There's some wonderful dialog too. When Doc answers the phone, his boss asks how he's doing. Doc responds, "I'm rich in Christ." His boss snaps back, "Stop preaching! @!!**" At least his patients like him. Peter tells the nurse that his doctor is "almost nice enough to be an African." What's that supposed to mean? That he'll take foreign aid instead of giving it? (Sorry, I forgot. We're supposed to feel guilty for being white.) Speaking of guilt, the nurse dispenses it almost as much as she does medicine. After Doc pressures Peter to get saved, Peter politely post phones the decision, saying "Let me think about it, doctor. It sounds too good to be true." The nurse swoops down and lays into him, "Peter, what's wrong with your head? You could die tonight! Haven't you suffered enough? Why choose to die in your sins... and suffer forever in the lake of fire?" Now that's what I call a a real assistant. Not only does she take the temperatures and bed pans, she clinches the deal for Doc's evangelizing efforts. Will our patient make the right decision in time? Or will the lava lake level rise another few gallons? Get this tract and find out for yourself! Grade: A- for Aids Awareness. Return to Main Page.
"GOING TO THE DOGS" Review! (Art by Carter & 3rd artist. ©1992.) God comes across as pretty brutal here, full of anger and wrath. The opening narration sets the stage nicely. "There was a rotten king, who married a rotten queen. They had a rotten little brat named Ahab, who became king of Israel. Ahab married a foreign princess named Jezebel, who had a little problem... she was into devil worship!" A dramatic beheading is rendered for our viewing pleasure. Then a smirking priest with a demonic statue behind him leers at us on the next page. "Being a witch, Jezebel had the prophets of God destroyed. She imported 450 prophets of Satan to set up Baal worship... God hates idols (graven images) because demons operate behind them, deceiving the worshipper. So God declared war on Baal." The story of Fire Starter is quickly recapped, telling how Elijah challenged the prophets of Baal and won, having them summarily executed. Then Jezebel finds out about it and demands revenge. Elijah conveniently disappears for a while.
Years pass and Ahab lusts after his neighbors vineyard. He asks Naboth to give it to him, but the old man gently refuses. Ahab cries about it to Jezebel, who promised to take care of the problem. She writes letters to Israel's leaders to knock off Naboth. They arrange for a surprise party. Instead of a naked woman popping out of a cake, two men stand up and declare, "Naboth cursed God and the king! He is worthy of death!" The onlookers are in a party mood and ready to rock, so they stone Naboth to death as a blasphemer. The dogs lick up his innocent blood. (Yummy.) God sees this and decides a little payback is in order. He sends Elijah to deliver a curse. Elijah finds the king in his newly acquired vineyard and says, "Thus saith the Lord, In the place where dogs licked the blood of Naboth, shall dogs lick thy blood. And the dogs shall eat Jezebel by the wall of Jezreel." Ahab gulps in fear... but then seems to forget about it as time passes. He decides to he wants to take land belonging to Syria (some things in Israel never change). He asks his prophets if the invasion will succeed. The yes men say "yes", but Micaiah says, "If you come back alive, I'm no prophet!" Ahab turns to the reader to give a hilarious deadpan expression and says, "I just knew he's say that." Ahab throws Micaiah in prison and goes to battle anyway, "which was dumb, dumb, dumb!"
Sure enough, Ahab catches an arrow in his back and dies. They just happen to unload the blood soaked corpse where Naboth was murdered. (Must be popular bleeding grounds.) The dogs love it and enjoy a second course. Jezebel gets twenty more years of royal splendor before she has to face the music. Her servants tolerate her that long before throwing her out of a palace window to her death. Chick warns, "Then the dogs ate her body. GOD DOESN'T PLAY GAMES. Ahab and Jezebel both went to hell. As God watched Ahab and Jezebel... God's watching us too!"
If that's not scary enough, consider this: They look like the same three dogs licking up leftovers as the earlier canine clean-up crew from twenty years before. Could they be vampire dogs that stay young from all the blood? (Sorry, no Fang sightings.)
Readers are warned that, "Every person's entire life is recorded for the Day of Judgment." On page 20, we spy on angels as they spy on us from the clouds. One asks, "Did you get that?" The other replies, "Of course!" So in essence, Big Father is Watching! A random sinner is shown standing before God and weeping, "Why didn't someone warn me?!" Chick's cold footnote states, "ATTENTION READER: You've just been warned!"
Fortunately, the last panel offers hope. Recite the sinners prayer and you'll be saved. (You might also play it safe and replace Fido with a feline.) Plenty of "I told you so" moments and "he who laughs last, laughs best" endings. Favorite Panel Award: There's lot to choose from, but it's hard to top page 12. We get to see Naboth getting stoned in one image, and the snarling dogs chowing down on the crime scene in the next shot. (And you thought the Bible was boring?) Grade: A+ for Aggressive Animals!
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"HAPPY HALLOWEEN" Review! (Art by Chick ©1996.) It's tracts like these that make me wonder if fundamentalists really hate Halloween, or if they really love it but condemn it anyway out of sense of duty. Chick clearly relishes the monster scenes and they're a lot of fun to behold. Like the "Boo!" tract, the first 2/3rds of this tale recount a great horror story. This time we follow the haunted house experiences of Timmy and his friends. They get so scared by the carnival type spook house, that they dash out and... "Timmy! Look out for that car!" (Screech! Thud!) Timmy meets Jealous Jesus, and Jesus DOESN'T like sharing the stage with satanic exhibits. Naked Timmy is fed to the fiery flames, while his buddies are saved by a Sunday school teacher back on the Earth's surface. By the end of the tract, the Joy of Jesus so overwhelmed his buddies, that they've completely forgotten about Timmy! (Hey, he was yesterday's news.) They're are some wonderful panels of witches, demons, and various spooks in this tract, but I have to give the Favorite Panel Award to page 14. It shows Timmy standing there with his arms crossed and a sh*t eating grin while Mrs. Baxter tries one last time to explain why Jesus is the only way to heaven. Of course, Timmy's arrogance is rewarded one day later with fire and brimstone. Mrs. Baxter wins the debate by default and the reader is reminded once again that God always gets the last laugh. A good read. Grade: B+. Return to Main Page.
"HUMBUG" Review! (Art by Chick ©1975, 1995.) A surprisingly faithful adaptation of A Christmas Story. There's only room for one ghost (Marley), but all the other major elements seem present. There's also more talk about Jesus than there is in the novel, but hey, it's a Chick tract, so whadaya expect? This story still packs a punch. When you stop and think about it, A Christmas Carol probably inspired for one of Jack's other tracts: This Was Your Life, complete with an alternate happy ending. Humbug may not be very original plot wise, but it's well executed. Readers will learn that getting salvation not only removes the ugly scowl from your face, but also the dark razor stubble. Favorite Panel Award goes to page 13: An older woman in the snowing street begs Scrooge, "I've been quite ill. Could you PLEASE extend my loan for ten more days?" Scrooge replies, "NO!... Not for one extra minute! You can expect FORECLOSURE, madam!" Merry Christmas to you, too. Grade: B for Blast my Banker. Return to Main Page.
"KINGS OF THE EAST" Review! (Art by Carter ©1975.) A fun romp through Jack's red-under-every-bed world view. This is basically a rant on how the Chinese are out to take over the world. Released in 1975 and discontinued soon thereafter, it must have really seemed paranoid. Since that time however, the Chinese have made major territorial and political gains through their use of spies, intimidation and bribery. They've taken over Hong Kong, threatened to invade Taiwan, and received permanent World Trade Organization status. And don't forget the $6 million illegal campaign contribution to Clinton's re-election, or their successful snatching of nuclear secrets from our weapons labs, or their stealing of our rocket technology from joint venture satellite launches in Asia. Chick must have really flipped whenever he heard Clinton refer to China as our "Strategic Partner." (With allies like that, who needs adversaries?) If Chick wanted to update this tract, he'd probably need more than the standard 24 page format! But this tract is pretty juicy as is. Check out page 5, for example: "Tibet falls in 1959. No one cares, including the U.N.. What kind of Masters are the Chinese Reds? In the village of Ba-Jeuba the inhabitants were forced to watch the crucifixion of 25 wealthy people. In the same village, men and women had to watch 24 parents being killed by having nails driven into their eyes-- because they refused to send their children to Chinese schools." (Hey! That's our Strategic Partner you're talk'en 'bout!) Don't miss the the red-baiting scene directed down-under: "In the classrooms of China, the map has a new name for Australia." An instructor points to an Australia map with NEW CHINA printed over it. (But will the Outback Steakhouses go Chinese as well?)
The rest of the tract warns of the domino theory and commie plans to move on Israel. First, the Russians attack it. "World War III begins with the U.S. and Russia at war. It's a one day fire war. 1/4 of the world's population dies as a result. Israel survives the Holocaust." Then the Red Chinese invade seven years later. (No one seems that interested in the Arab countries rich with oil.) Page 16 shows an endless formation of Chinese foot soldiers marching in unison on tiny Israel. 2/3rds of the Jews die. The attack on the Chosen triggers the rapture. Jesus jumps into the fray and all hell breaks loose. Favorite Panel Award goes to page 18, a red color insert of the resulting river of blood. It states, "Jesus cuts them to shreds. The blood in this 130 mile valley is 4 feet deep up to the bridle of horses. The greatest slaughter in human history, 1/3 of the world's population is gone." (That's a lot of Red blood.) But not to fret, because the good guys win. "Jesus sets up his kingdom in Jerusalem as the ruler of the Earth... Peace comes at last." The only problem is that 1/4th of the world population was blown up in WW3, another 1/3rd cut to shreds by Jesus, 2/3rds of the Jews destroyed by the Beast, plus "the ecology is ruined and the plagues are hitting everywhere." So the odds of enjoying that peace don't sound good. But it sure makes an exciting tract! Grade: A+ for Asian Adversaries. Return to Main Page.
"THE LAST GENERATION" Review! (Art by Carter ©1972, 1992.) It's Carter's artwork, but drawn in a different style from his fine line illustrations. (This art looks painted.) The subject matter is the New World Order. A bleak and depressing future is depicted where pollution and crime are rampant. Smiling news anchors cheerfully report from One World Government headquarters that "All opposers of the Church of World Brotherhood are now officially enemies of the state!". Everyone lives in concrete block houses, and schools brainwash kids with New Age beliefs. Parents who try to discipline their children are arrested for Child Abuse. (This may sound like typical H.R.S tactics by today's standards, but must have seemed like sensational science fiction when originally published in 1972.) Little Bobby wears a Nazi-esque brown shirt outfit and turns his grandfather in to the authorities for claiming that Jesus created the universe. The "New Age Healers" then toss Grandpa in an agony chamber and turn up the power. When he refuses to recant, they curse him and say, "Take this heretic away. Dispose of it, or use it for food." Black helicopters chase down the escaping parents (who get turned in by their brother-in-law for the reward money.) But just as the ATF (or whatever the agency) kicks down the door, the Christians are Raptured. Call it the ultimate Deux Ex Machina ending. All that is left is a pile of clothes! (It will probably get recycled along with the corpses.) You won't look forward to the wonders of the 21st century after reading this tract. There are blue cover (©1972) and green cover (©1992) versions. The original blue cover version seems more influenced by John Todd's Illuminati conspiracies, with Jews like "Supreme Chancellor A. Jablonsky" running the courts. The more recent green cover version supports Alberto's anti-catholic beliefs, with "Supreme Justice Mahoney s.j." calling the shots. (S.J. = "Society of Jesus," the Jesuit order.) The later version also censors the pile of clothes on the floor after the rapture. The empty bra must have been too suggestive, making readers think impure thoughts! This tract has recently been discontinued, so you better hide a copy before the One World Government orders them all destroyed or recycled. Favorite Panel Award goes to page 8: Brat Bobby holds up pictures of a puppy and kitten and shouts, "My teacher said these are great for Halloween sacrifice!" (The blue cover version says, "The teacher gave us pictures of these two extinct species.") Grade: A+ Return to Main Page.
"LISA" Review! (Art by Carter ©1984.) This has GOT to be the most uncomfortable Chick tract ever written. Not because it's insensitive, but because the topic is SUPER sensitive: Child Molestation-- by the parent! The story follows a jobless, hen pecked husband as he stays at home and watches pornography. His beer bellied next door neighbor comes over to watch with him, then drops a bomb shell: "I know what's going on with (you and your daughter) Lisa... That's pretty juicy gossip. I'll keep quiet, old buddy, if we can share and share alike!" WHOA! The story suddenly kicks into hyper-gear. The very next panel, hen-pecked Henry is catching another bomb shell, this time from his doctor who just ran tests on Lisa. She has Herpes! And she told the doctor how her daddy and his neighbor are to blame! He screams that she is a liar, but the wise old doctor doesn't buy it. Just when you expect the police to arrive and cart Henry off, the doctor launches into a sermon about Jesus and forgiveness. Henry instantly converts (hey, it beats the big house!) and mums the word on daddy's dirty deeds. Henry races home and tells his wife he's saved. She admits she knew about the molestation all along, because her *!%* uncle did the same thing to her (so it's a family tradition). They pray together and tears flood from every eye ball. They call Lisa and we see how young she really is for the first time. It's shocking. She still carries a teddy bear and looks maybe five years old. We're talking MAJOR molestation and rape here, but all seems forgiven. Never mind the incurable child Herpes, or the unrepentant next door neighbor. The important thing is, another saved soul. I must be vindictive, because I wanted to see someone dive into The Lake, or at least get raped in prison. Giving the perp a good dose of AIDS would have been poetic justice, too. Instead, nobody is punished except the victim. (I guess that's more realistic than most of us like to admit.) This tract is currently out of print, although it has been recently reprinted in the Hot Topics book. Grade: A for Adult Content. Return to Main Page.
"A LOVE STORY" Review! (Art by Chick ©1977, 2002.) This is one of Chick's worst efforts. The artwork is generic and features long shots of planets, clouds (with souls rising), close ups of eye lids, anything that's easy to dash off. Even the text is sparse. One page says nothing but: "Now... If you've done that..." Another page is blank except for the sentence "Only God Almighty". Talk about wasted space! Perhaps this one was done under a deadline or something. (The contractual obligation tract?) The only good panel is the one with a Christian walking down the street and an angel holding back a criminal. We know the crook is evil because he has a bad haircut, didn't shave, and smokes. It's not really a story, but a basic questionnaire asking the reader who loves them the most, who died for their sins, who wants them to go to heaven, etc. It answers each question with a big JESUS! If you want to see how bad other tracts on the market are, read this one because they rate about this (bad) quality. Then read any other Chick tract and see how much better they are in comparison. We expect much better work from Chick, and 99% of the time, we get it. Everyone deserves a little slack now and then, so this must be Jack's slack tract. Grade: D- Return to Main Page.
"MISS UNIVERSE" Review! (Art by Carter ©1987.) This is the Old Testament story of Esther, a Jew living in the Persian palace of King Ahasuerus. Uncle Mordecai tells Esther to keep her Jewish roots secrete. The king divorces his queen and holds a beauty contest to select the next queen. He picks Esther, unaware that she is a Jewess. Mordecai protects his royal investment by snitching on an assassination plot against the king. The assassins are executed, but nobody rewards Mordecai for tattling. An official named Haman arrives on the scene. He's an Agagite who hates the Jews, and with reason: "Almost 500 years earlier, God commanded the first king of Israel, King Saul, to utterly destroy Amalek. But Saul didn't kill them all [the Agagites]. He disobeyed God... Because of this sin, the Agagites survived and multiplied, and eventually Haman was born, to serve Satan." (In other words, Saul's big crime was refusal to carry out genocide. Good thing no one mentioned this at Nuremberg.) Haman decides its time for some payback. He convinces the king to have the Jews executed on a certain day. Mordecai urges his niece to intervene. She plots to have Haman invited to her banquet and embarrass him before the king. Haman unintentionally helps by sticking his foot in his mouth about Mordecai, forgetting it was he who blew the whistle on the king's assassination plot. At the party, Esther reveals she is a Jew and begs the king to spare her life from the enemy Haman. The king is furious at Haman. Haman begs Esther for his life, but she shows no mercy. He's hung on the same gallows he prepared for Mordecai. "A new law was sent out showing the king and his army were now on the side of the Jews, giving the Jews authority to kill anyone who threatened them... Many of the people became Jews for the fear of the Jews fell upon them." (Love us or else!)
The last few pages tell of Jesus and warn about other enemies of Israel. "Like Haman, another enemy of the Jews will come to power. The Bible calls him 'The Beast,' the most evil man to walk the Earth." The picture shows a man dressed in Catholic robes. Armageddon is outlined. A final challenge is issued to readers to join the winning side and accept Jesus. "Who will you serve? Jesus Christ? Satan? The Choice is Yours."
It's fun to watch the "evil Gentile" getting trapped by his own schemes, but there is also a disturbing sub text here. The Jews win the day by being sneaky and conniving... not to mention Esther was acting like a whore by offering herself to the King for reasons of power and wealth. It seems opposite of the "proclaim your faith no matter the consequences" message expressed in other tracts like Burn Baby Burn. Should Jews lie about being Jewish or not? And what does this mean for Christians? Should they do as Peter did and deny their faith when it benefits them? You won't find the answer in this tract. Favorite Panel Award goes to the banquet scene on page 2. It's a gorgeous panorama of royal splendor. Grade: B+ for Beauty contest. Return to Main Page.
"PARTY GIRL" Guest Review by ANOK! Here we go again with another little classic from the delusional mind of one of our favorite religious zealots....JACK T. CHICK!.....lets give em a round of applause!.....Yes it's "PARTY GIRL".....you know her you love her....why maybe it's you...[and you don't even know it!].....Hell Fire & Damnation are on the Party Platter tonight...for all you wanton jezebels! And the men who love them!....Religion gone horribly WRONG!... PSYCHOTIC... rant... drool... rave... after reading this one you will know as well as I that we are all but PUPPETS in Satan's Master Plan.... Excuse me Mr. Chick... but what bible are you reading?... I dunno... I guess that ol' trixster has me HYPNOTIZED!!!!....and soon you can be too!
"PARTY GIRL" Regular Review! (Art by Chick ©1998.) The story opens with Satan preparing for his festival. A demon reports, "We've loaded the city with drugs and alcohol. You're music is also ready. We've booked the hottest groups in the world. You're warehouses are PACKED with low-grade condoms. And hundreds of volunteers are ready to give them away." Satan is pleased. 3,000 miles away, Rita Jones is awakened by a dream. God has warmed her that Satan is after her grand daughter. She calls but learns that Jill has already left for the festival. She leaves to save Jill in person. A demons reports back in hell what Grandma is doing. "Grrrr.. I HATE that old @!!!**! She's been a thorn in my side for TWENTY YEARS," Satan steams, "For sweet revenge, I'll kill her granddaughter tonight!" Meanwhile, Jill is having the time of her life at Mardi Gras. The bartender is replaced by Satan, who poisons her drink. Grandma arrives just in time to tear her daughter out of the arms of her date. The date decides not to waste the poison and downs it. He dies in his sins. Jill finds out about his death later when she calls her friend to apologize for her crazy grandmother. When she realizes Gramps saved her life, she listens to her wise Christian advice. She recites the sinner's prayer and gets saved. The last page offers juxtaposing images of Satan and Grandma urging different behavior from readers. Ugly Satan says, "Listen! don't believe any of this. Keep on partying! You'll NEVER regret it. Trust ME!" Kindly old Grandmother urges, "Stop believing Satan's lies. Trust Christ today!" Favorite Panel Award goes to page 5b: A demon stands in a tight spot light surrounded by darkness, telling Satan about events on Earth. The lighting is both creepy and surreal. Interesting trivia: If Rita is 3,000 miles away from Satan, and the planet is 4,000 miles to the center, that would suggest hell is about 1,000 miles from the middle. Grade: B+ for Barf up that Beer! Return to Main Page.
"THE PILGRIMAGE" Review! (Art by Chick ©1999.) The last tract of 1999 pulls no punches explaining how all Muslims will toast in Hell for rejecting Jesus. It all starts when some Muslims fly on their pilgrimage to Mecca. They start talking religion and the aircraft develops equipment problems. They crash on the runway and all 246 perish. As the relatives at the airport witness the tragedy and burst out in tears, one says, "It was the will of Allah! Thankfully, their sins were forgiven because they performed the hajj." The head pilgrim discovers differently. Abdul gets the shock of his afterlife to hear Matthew 25:41 shouted at him by a Faceless God. When he objects, Faceless God delivers the double 1-2 punch. He reveals, "Allah is a Satanic counterfeit. He is one of many false gods that have deceived millions!" Naked Abdul complains that it's unfair since no one ever told him about Christ, but not so fast Abdul! J.C. counters that he sent one of his faithful servants to witness to Abdul in his earlier years. What a piety Abdul didn't convert, and all because his family would disown him. (Perhaps if his friend had presented Abdul with some Chick tracts, it might have turned out differently.) Interesting note: This tract quickly sold out after September 11th, and had to be reprinted. The Favorite Panel Award clearly goes to the next to last panel when Abdul grovels before God and begs "But I was a very sincere Muslim", to which God retorts, "I'm sorry Abdul, but you were sincerely WRONG!" Try to look at the bright side, Abdul: Surf's up in the Lake O' Fire! B++ Return to Main Page.
"THE POOR POPE" Review! (Art by Chick 1983.) It doesn't get more politically incorrect than this! Even the cover sports a picture of the media's favorite Pope John Paul in a gilded chair, adorned in gold. This is one of Chick's best anti-Catholic rants, pulling all the skeletons out of the closet for everyone to see. Included is the historically factual story of how Pope Stephen II forged a letter from Heaven to King Pepin of France to convince him to stop the Arabs from raiding Rome. This juicy bit of history is taught in most Western Civilization courses and proves that even an infallible Pope can be caught in a lie (unless of course, Saint Peter really did give Stephen II a letter from Heaven). Pope Hadrian 1st repeated the con with Pepin's son, King Charlemagne, claiming Constantine had made the Popes heir to the entire Roman Empire. Another piece of historical trivia is how the Spanish soldiers plundered South American kingdoms, demanding gold payments for the centuries the natives lived on the Pope's land without paying rent. Then things get somewhat personal as Chick reminds Protestants when they were the targets. "The most vicious, dirty technique used by the Roman Catholic System to raise money was The Inquisition. The victim could be a land owner falsely accused of some crime as as eating meat on Friday. His family was hauled away by the inquisitors, never to be seen again. The land owner was tortured until he confessed. Then he was tried for heresy and burned to death for his crime. His land and possessions became the property of 'mother church.' She did very well considering there were 68 million victims." (Note that he doesn't say 68 million were actually killed, but infers it by calling them "victims.")
Truth is often stranger than fiction, and even Chick's most rabid conspiracy theories can't upstage some of these incredible historical events. If nothing else, this tract proves the old adage, "Absolute power corrupts absolutely"-- even when that power is religion. Of course, Chick goes well beyond fact and ventures into wild speculation. Prostitutes selling themselves to earn money for the Pope? The Vatican arranging the assassination of Lincoln and the starting World Wars 1 and 2? (These allegations might be true, but the evidence requires more than a motive and the testimony of an ex-Jesuit priest to prove them.) They make great reading however, and heck, it's fun to be the victim for once instead of being blamed for everyone else's woes. (It seems every race and religion competes to see who suffered more throughout history. The Inquisition is the protestant's big claim to victim fame.) Favorite Panel Award: Jack's rendition of a monk selling bogus Holy Relics. He assures the crowd, "I personally know this thorn was stuck in Jesus' head. Would I lie?" Such shams were big business during the middle ages and provided extra income for many Catholic officials. (Check out Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales for more amusing examples.) Grade: B+ Short on 'toons, but long on good gossip! Return to Main Page.
"SOMEBODY GOOFED" Review! (Art by Chick ©1969, 1972, and 2002.) Classic Chick story of a kid who has a "cool" older friend who gives lots of unsolicited advice. As they watch a guy die, a nearby Christian seizes the opportunity to witness. He wonders aloud if the dead guy will wind up in heaven or hell (a great way to comfort the victim's loved ones). The kid wants to know more, but his partner drags him away from "the fanatic." He also rips up the old man's religious tract and says, "I don't want you to read this propaganda kid-- It'll make you mentally sick! Look- let me straighten you out-- I've got all of the answers!" The two drive off and the friend explains that there really isn't such a thing as sin. All one has to do is follow the ten commandments and believe the golden rule. A train approaches the railroad crossing. The friend urges the kid to step on the gas. The train wins the race and the two wind up in Hades. The kid denounces his friend for the bad advice on salvation, but the friend is unapologetic. He pulls off his mask to reveal he's a demon!
Favorite Panel Award goes to the last panel where the big revelation is made. Early versions of this tract feature a red splash on the demon's face after he yanks off his mask (similar to Angels.) A fun plot with even funnier pictures. It utilizes lots of full page spreads for the best action shots, including the failed medical rescue, the Christian getting knocked down, the train wreck, and all the Hades scenes. An essential addition to your Chick collection. Grade: B+ for Bad advice. Return to Main Page.
"SOMEBODY LOVES ME" Review! (Art by Chick ©1969, 1972, and 1973.) It's some of the Crudest art of any Chick tract. A big eyed boy gets abused by his elder (dad?) and used to beg for drinking money. Since he fails to bring home enough $, the older man beats him and tosses him out in a storm. He finds a box to curl up and waits to die, when a "God Loves You" pamphlet blows by him. (Amazingly, Chick didn't make the pamphlet a Chick Tract-- this must have been early in his career before he learned to promote his business at every opportunity.) The boy can't read it but a passing Christian reads it for him. She then leaves the boy to die, but thanks to this last minute "love letter from God", he's ushered into the kingdom of heaven. A real tear jerker. Not one of my favorites on account of the crude artwork, but many like it for that exact reason. It's also short on dialog and tries to relay the message with pictures only. This tract is often seen and often parodied. I'd give it a C for quality, but an A- for the cutesy/corny/kitschy combination efforts. (The more recent version has the Christian girl say "I'll go get help", probably in response to readers complaining that she left the kid there to die!) Return to Main Page.
"SOUL STORY" Review! (Art by Carter ©1977.) Sometimes Chick really seems determined to offend EVERYONE. Just when you thought the blacks would receive a free pass, you discover Soul Story. You gotta hand it to Jack: Either he's the one person in American who never heard of "politically correct" or he's the only one in publishing who dares to defy it. The best way to describe this tract is "Blaxploitation!" All the 70's Super-fly cliches are here. The 'fros, the mirror sun glasses, the machine guns, the bell bottoms... You name it! Only the "main man" in this story gets SAVED in the end. It's kinda like, Shaft meets Pulp Fiction. (Come to think of it, the bad ass black mo-fo gets saved in Pulp Fiction too!) Even the title is classic: "SOUL Story" (Get it? Black "Soul" vs. your eternal soul? Haw-haw-haw! Good one, Jack.)
The basic plot follows Leroy Brown as he's paroled from prison because they're running out of room. (Leroy Brown is also the name of a character in a famous Jimmy Croche song who was one bad dude!) Leroy confronts the thug who took over his old gang and girlfriend. The new leader tells Leroy to beat it. Leroy calls him a stupid jive turkey and beats him to a bloody tooth-spitting pulp. The gang business is good and Leroy's back in the black (so to speak). His Christian grandmother dies but witnesses to Leroy before she expires. Leroy takes his main squeeze to the funeral. Rival gang members shoot and kill her in a dry-by situation. Leroy is so torn up by his loss, that he hits on his dead girlfriend's sister at the morgue! She goes on the date, but won't give him any sugar unless he becomes Christian. (The old "dogma or the door" ploy.) Leroy says he'll think about it, but first wants to murder his rival gang members first. They meet in a church for a truce, when both sides attack each other. The machine gun barks "Budda budda budda!" (So at least they're not Islamic.) Leroy unleashes his grenades: "KAVOOM!" Leroy stumbles from the runes bleeding. He goes to the Christian girls home and dies in her arms... but not before repenting. She kisses him, fulfilling her part of the bargain. Leroy snaps back alive and beds the broad-- no wait, that last part didn't happen, but you get the picture. Favorite Panel Award goes to page 9 for the fight and bloody aftermath scenes. They're right on! Grade: A for Afro. Return to Main Page.
"SUPERMAN?" Review! (Art by the 3rd artist ©1990.) This is the famous Old Testament story of Samson. After reading this tale, you can't help but wonder how this ruthless madman was ever considered a hero. As Chick puts it, "Samson had a few problems, but sometimes God uses strange people to accomplish great things." A few problems is putting it mildly. By modern medical standards, Samson is a raging psychopath. He challenges some wedding guests to a riddle where the winner wins 30 changes of clothing. When he loses, Chick makes it sound like Samson had no choice but to resort to murder: "The only way Samson could pay his debt was to kill 30 Philistines and take their clothing." The only way to pay was to kill? Why couldn't he work off the debt? He certainly had the strength! Samson can also be pretty cruel to animals. He catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, sets them ablaze and turns them loose to burn the fields of the Philistines. (Where's the SPCA when you need them?) Another theme of this story is that God doesn't like Jews to marry outside their race. By implication, the opposite must also be true. Chalk up another point for Political Incorrectness! But Samson likes the Philistine girls better than his own race. He marries one and after she's murdered, he beds another. For his broad mindedness, he gets his eyes gouged out and turned into a slave. You can guess what happens when his hair grows back: 3,000 more lives lost. (What ever happened to an eye for an eye? Here's a blatant overdraft of 5,998 Eye-O.U.s.) This tract really makes you wonder if the Old Testament God can possibly be related to the New Testament God. They have the same facelessness, but they don't seem to act the same. Favorite Panel Award goes to page 19b. It's a beautiful image of a terrifying situation as the temple collapses and kills 3,000 Philistines. But what the heck, they were pagans so they deserved to die. Hail Samson! The Pagan Punisher! Grade: B+. Return to Main Page.
"THAT CRAZY GUY" Review! (Art by Carter ©1980, 1992.) This isn't just one Jack's best tracts, it's two of 'em! The reason is because Jack makes major plot revisions which turns the same exact tract into a completely different story. Different, and yet, the same. Both tracks tell the story of Suzi's first "romance" (one night stand). Not surprisingly, she gets Herpes the very first time. (The later version gives her Gonorrhea AND Aids despite using a condom). Of course, Suzi is devastated, but that doesn't stop the doctor from using the opportunity to launch into a lecture about immorality and homosexuals, etc. etc. Suzi withers as Doc tells her that Jesus loves her, but sometimes we must suffer throughout our life for something we've done. In the Aids version, she gets saved, but only after some aggressive bedside manner. Suzi says "So now that I've got Aids, all I've got to look forward to is death, right?" and the doctor responds, "Wrong Susan! You'll soon face something far worse than Aids!" Then he proceeds to tell Suzi how sinners get "their screaming souls taken and thrown into... that dark, horrible, unspeakable place." (Thanks for the pep talk, Doc!) Both versions are classic, but the earlier version is probably out of print forever. Why scare 'em with Herpes when you can TERRORIZE them with Aids? The irony of course is that in the Herpes version, the doctor says "No Suzi, it isn't Gonorrhea or Syphilis, and thank God it isn't Aids." Yet in a later version, it IS Aids! (I guess Suzi didn't thank God enough the first time around.) Grade: A for Awful After-glow. Return to Main Page.
"THE THING" Review! (Art by Chick ©1971.) If you're a horror buff, this will be one of your faves. It's basically "The Exorcist" Chick style. A young Mexican girl (Maria) becomes possessed with a demon named "Verono". The parents tried the Catholic priest, but he was unable to do anything. (In fact, the medal of the blessed Virgin he placed around her neck was immediately bent out of shape-- not a good sign.) They find a protestant "man of God" with more experience in such matters. He muses aloud, "So you ladies believe this girl, Maria, has a demon?" They say yes. The wise Christian explains that Maria must have made herself susceptible to demons when she played with Ouija boards, astrology, and fortune telling. He takes a another Christian with him since "there is more strength in numbers-- this is very serious business!". A slimy cousin named John hears about the upcoming exorcist and wants to get in on the fun. He promises the two experts he's also a man of God, but he doesn't fool Verono: The demon child attacks the moment she sees him and claws up his face. She also screams that he's making love to his neighbor's wife! His cover blown, John has to leave the festivities. The two true Christians rebuke Satan and evoke the spirit of Jesus. After various Linda Blair impersonations, Maria returns to normal and becomes saved. In a classic 1950's horror homage, someone wonders aloud were Verono went. "He's out looking for a new home," explains the true Christian. Sure enough, the next panel shows Cousin John shaking and howling under the moon, "my name is Verono!". Grade: A for Aberration. Return to Main Page.
"THE TYCOON" Review! (Art by Carter ©1993.) Just when you thought Chick was being soft on Asians, in charges The Tycoon! It follows the life (and death) of Yut, a millionaire who is considered saintly by the Buddhist monks. A Christian hands Yut a Chick tract, and is quickly given the bum's rush. Yut makes the fatal mistake of not only refusing to believe in the tract, but tossing it out of his Limousine as it snakes around a dangerous mountain road. Naturally, the limo skids and plunges to its fiery destruction. Yut is shocked to face judgment. "Impossible!" he says, "I'm supposed to be reincarnated." (Make that incinerated.) Yut is hauled before the Great Throne of Judgment. For some reason, the faceless god isn't faceless this time. It's a bearded Jesus and he doesn't take to kindly to litterbugs who pollute our scenic roadways with Chick tracts. (Littering bus stations and bathrooms with Chick tracts is a good thing, but not the great outdoors.) God is also miffed that Yut bowed to idols, all because, "you wouldn't offend your family or friends. It was also good for business." The panel showing Yut being tossed into the lake of fire is pretty graphic. Even the most ardent PC type will enjoy seeing a millionaire burn in flames, even if he happens to be a minority. Another nice touch is the high number of prescription sun glasses featured in this tract. Not the cheap dark sunglasses, but the ones that are slightly shaded at the top with yellow (for the yellow race?). Yut wears them, so does his wife, and so do the monks. Why are these glasses so sinister? (It must the be the shifty little eyes darting back and forth from behind them.) Grade: B+ for Buddha Bashing. Return to Main Page.
"WAR ZONE" Review! (Art by Chick ©2000.) This tract features some of Chick's best detailed work to date. It's free-for-all time at the local high school, as gang members terrify milk toast bureaucrats and the rest of the student body. That is, until Chick tracts appear on the scene and cure all the problems. Exposure to the comics convert "Moose", the gang leader of "The Snakes". (That's "Ekans" in Pokemon gang-speak.) Moose first encounters the tracts after throwing a pencil-necked geek against the lockers: "Out of my way, scum bag!" he shouts. The tracts spill to the floor and Moose steals them. Then he meets Scum bag the next day and wants to talk to him. "Last night, Justin read all those tracts to me, I can't get them out of my head. For the first time in my life, I'm SCARED! What's going on? When I saw this picture, I could see me in it!" That picture is the recurring Chick image of a sinner being tossed in the Lake of Fire. Any tract that plugs tracts is usually fun, but this one goes way over board. The tracts not only convert Moose, they turn Horrible High into an overnight Utopia. The clouds part and sunshine pours in on the otherwise dark and dingy school yard. Moose pays his teacher to replace the tires he vandalized, parents are thrilled and teachers from around district want to transfer to the school. Why spend millions when all we really need to fix education is 14 cent tracts? Grade: Straight A! Return to Main Page.
"WHERE'S RABBI WAXMAN" Review! (Art by Chick ©1996.) Chick sure has a way a collecting influential enemies. As if mobilizing the combined resources of the Catholics, Masons, Jehovah's witnesses, Mormons and Muslims against him were not enough, Chick goes on to alienate the Jews too! But to be fair, this isn't really an anti-Semitic tract. It just repeats Chick's strong belief that anyone who doesn't accept Jesus is fuel for Satan's furnace. And of course, that includes The Chosen. (Hey, cut Jack some slack! If he excluded the Jews, that would be discrimination.) This tale chronicles an Orthodox Jew's effort to find out from Rabbi Waxman why Jesus was not the Messiah. Waxman can't answer the question, especially after being confronted with the actual scripture from the Torah. He basically throws the student out of his home. Bad move: Waxman dies soon thereafter and is shocked to discover there aren't any Waxmans listed in The Book Of Life. Before tossing the old Rabbi into the Lake O' Fire, God (that's pronounced "Jesus", not "Jehovah") takes time out of his busy schedule to list all the prophecies that his Earth visit fulfilled. Two pages of Old Testament scripture are provided. A few panels later, John 1:11 is quoted: "He (Jesus) came unto his own, but his own received him not." Waxman complains and cries, but Jesus has seen that act before and sends the Rabbi down to the blast-furnace basement to join the rest of his Kosher congregation. Just when you think the Jewish Defense League is about to burst in and shoot everyone at Chick Publications, the Jewish student shows up again and converts to Christ. (Did I mention he's blond? Go figure.) Not surprisingly, the Messianic Jew goes straight to heaven. Chick reminds everyone that Jesus made more than just furniture (like say, the universe) and everything is right again. An all-around fun read. Jews naturally resent this tract, but just because they don't actively recruit folks from other races doesn't mean other groups won't try to siphon off their numbers. Remember, all's fair in Love and War, and like they say, "Jesus is Love." Interesting trivia: Chick suffered a stroke after drawing this tract, and while being carted off in the ambulance, he laughed at Satan and swore his stroke wouldn't stop him. Sure enough, it didn't. Grade: A Return to Main Page.
"WORDLESS GOSPEL" Review! (Art by Carter ©1971, 1972, 1973, 1987, and 1997.) Did you know that Jesus was an African? Neither did I, until I read this tract. Made especially for Haitians, it's ALL pictures. Perhaps Jack assumes none of them can read? Well, even THAT can't stop Chick from fulfilling the "White man's burden" and showing them the light. It's the basic tale of a white missionary explaining the "God in three persons" theory to clueless natives. (Not an easy task-- especially since the third person of God is represented as a bird!) But the natives seem to buy it and that's all that counts. All except one, that is. He dies drinking a 5th of liquor and gets carried down to the lake of fire by an angel (who also happens to be black). Even Mary is a Negro! (You can bet this tract would go over well in Israel.) Fine line art by Carter, with generous helpings of red blood splattered throughout the pages. Grade: B+ because Black is Beautiful, baby! Return to Main Page.
"WOUNDED CHILDREN" Review! (Art by Carter ©1983.) A very popular and very scarce tract. It's a "compassionate" attack on homosexuality, complete with background flashbacks on how the main character became gay in the first place. The best part is the invisible demon that stands besides David as he spirals further into the homosexual hole. The "guardian demon" is always reassuring David with soothing demonic advice. Favorite Panel Award goes to one such scene. Ten year old David lays in bed contemplating masturbation and sexual fantasy. The Demon says, "David, think about all those pictures in your Daddy's book... of all those people doing all those strange things... I wonder if..." The footnote goes on to say "Little David is now facing Demonic forces coming at him using subliminal mind control through the power of suggestion." Another panel shows daddy catching David playing with dolls. The demon urges the father, "What would your friends say if they knew your son was playing with a doll? HIT HIM!" The next page states, "One day his mother discovers him putting on eye make-up , and she takes him to a psychiatrist." But Doc only makes matters worse! He tells the parents that David is gay and that they must learn to accept him as he is. Dad's response is the show-stopper, "They should put you on the island with all the rest of the queers and blow it up!" (while the demon laughs hysterically in the background.) David tries to straighten himself out, "but the homosexual tendency is too strong to resist." He takes a girl to dinner and she says she really likes him because he understands what she's going through. David's thought balloon responds, "Oh, honey, you just don't know. I'm really your sister." Needless to say, he doesn't get any.
David moves to the city, gets passed around by various one night stands, and finally moves in with a regular boyfriend. But like most the queers in Chick's tracts, the boyfriend can't keep it in his pants. David finds out and breaks up with him. Meanwhile, a pickup truck full of red necks with baseball bats is out cruising (not for sex, just violence). One brags, "We're going to clean up the community." A bystander (that's by, not bi) asks if that means they're going queer hunting. "You got it!" he responds, "We're gonna find us some fags to play baseball with, and bust their !@#&**! heads!" The head they bust belongs to David's ex-partner, and they smash it seven ways to Sunday. David happens to walk by during the pinata practice, but keeps on walking to avoid any trouble. Then he reads in the paper his ex-boyfriend has ex-pired. David feels guilty and contemplates suicide. Time passes and David searches for meaning in his life. He drowns his woes at the local gay bar (which sports the original title of "Gay Bar") when a born again Christian walks in looking for vulnerable queers. He swoops down on David like a vulture. It turns out that it takes one to know one. The preacher is actually an ex-homo himself. He sure looks the part, complete with a perm and turtle neck shirt! In typical Chick fashion, he converts David instantly. The two then save a third homosexual who was just about to kill himself. The guardian demons fly away screaming and the mortals are freed from their evil influence. One never sees any of the homosexuals smile in this tract. They all look tired and sad. Chick's version of being gay doesn't seem very gay at all, at least not in the emotional sense.
The footnote states this tract was written with help from pastor Perry Roberts, a converted homosexual delivered by Jesus. Perry's address and phone number are provide and readers with similar problems are urged to contact him since he's helped many others find freedom. Perry probably passed away, changed careers, or went back to his old lifestyle. His phone number is no longer current and his reference was replaced with a plug for Rebecca Brown's books. Now the tract is permanently discontinued. If you're lucky enough to find one, it's a grand addition to your collection. Grade A+++ for Aids are Us! Return to Main Page.
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